Never Wanted to Believe

My name is Jessica, i’m living in Belgium. I was 16 years old. He was my boyfriend for almost 1 year. I had a vaginal infection and my doctor prescribed also a cream for him, because she said that sometimes men could have like an infection which is not declared at them, but they can transmit it in sexual relation and it makes something on women. That’s what happened.

After the Doctor, i came to his “home” and he was only dressed whit a boxer (brief,underwear) and i was not confortable because i felt like he was agressif when he speaks, like he was not the man I knew, like changed… I explained to him what the doctor said and he started to be angry about “maybe he gave me something like an infection” and he told me that “if I have that it’s because i’m a bitch and I f¨¨ked whit someone else”.
I heard that HE did some sexual things whit a girl that I knew, but I was Young, naïf, and scared.

So he said “and if i wan’t to do something right now?”, I was shocked and I said that “it is impossible because it will hurt a lot”. At this moment he said “there is always an other way to go through, an other hole!”… I was so scared, he was so angry and after 5 seconds of silence I said “ok,you can try” because his eyes where so dark, he clenched fist, and I didn’t know how to get out of this situation; i was thinking if I don’t do this will he hit me? I had barely finished my sentence, he turned me onto the bed and sodomized me. Everything was violent, aggressive, movements were barbarians, I was crying and begged him to stop… but the most I cried, the most he was satisfied. After that, i have a lapse of memory; I don’t know what happened after, I don’t know if something else happened; I don’t remind me of how I felt; and I don’t remind me where I went after; how I went home… I don’t remember anything else about the rest of the day!

I took so many long showers, I cried again and again Under the water because i felt guilty and I didn’t want to tell it to anybody, because for me, it was my fault. Any man could touch me just a little bit, i was directly on defensive and also one time I slapped a guy.

One year after, i told it to my mom, but not everything, and she told me “my daughter, he raped you” and I couldn’t believe it was a rape.. because i still told him “try if you want”.. even if it was Under fear and thousand other scared feelings.. Would HE do it without me to telling those few words? Would it be even worse?
But after I remember that a few days after this horrible day, his cousin called me to tell me that HE was in a hospital because he took some alcohol whit medications, but nothing serious. HE called me and he claimed and was angry because I was not at his side.. this moment I could express my anger and I reminded him what he did to me. He was crying.. a fake! he just said “i don’t know why I did that but it’s done”.. and again, I don’t remember the rest, it’s like a black picture.

It’s only after seeing a psychologist who said it was a kind of rape, that I realized the situation. He raped me. This kind of rape has a specific name, but it’s a rape.

It has been 10 Yeats now, I have an amazing boyfriend who is really understanding and of course he loves me a lot, because event if in the beginning of our love story it was hard but we had some intimate moments. Today, it has been months that nothing happens. I don’t know why but it is impossible for me! I love him but I don’t wan’t him to touch me. I feel so bad.. for him… for us… for me…

Tonight, I watched “Brave Miss World”, and I cried. I felt bad to cry for what happened to me, because for me my story is nothing in relation to the history of Linor or the history of all those women! I blamed myself for this blockage that I have.

I try to convince myself that women have experienced worse than me.. but even if my story appears tiny from the testimonies of the film, I still have this lump in my throat, my eyes burning, these pieces of pictures parading and I still hurt.

Thank you for this “documentary”.. thank you Linor to say loud what raped women keep in silence.
I found a person, like a psychologist but whiteout all the “speaking for nothing”.. She will do a specific think like a therapy. It’s a practice with some movement in front of the eyes and it will help to move the trauma who settles behind the cerebellum (loan neck at the back of the skull) to the front of the brain (front of the head). So you remember that it happens, but pain is less because the memories/pictures/movie who is running in your head is like modified. (ex: the car of the accident was red and someone was dead Inside… becomes to .. the car was white and there was nobody inside).

I start whit that therapy tomorrow, unfortunately I don’t remember the name of it. BUT I PROMISE, if it works, if it helps me.. I’ll comment my post if it’s possible or i’ll write a new post.. but if it can help anyone .. i’ll share that what could be a little solution to go further. Maybe you have a solution to help also all the persons you meet?

WOMEN, but also MEN, we have all a story, each one has his troubles, each one has his fears… but one word sums up our stories.

We’ll have to stay strong and figth together. We have to stay brave, and keep our head up!