On New Year’s Eve, 2011, I was raped by a person I trusted.
I had just turned sixteen and had only had one physical relationship before, that has ended a few weeks prior.
That night I had gone to my close friends apartment for a New Year’s party and had a wonderful time. There were six or seven of us there, running around the apartment drinking heavily and celebrating the New Year as most kids do. The drinking age where I live is 18, so it’s very easy for underage kids like I was to get our hand on alcohol.
Around 1 in the morning, most of the people left the party except the host, his girlfriend, myself, and my rapist. He was a close friend at the time and I never thought not to trust him. He lived across the hall and we frequently spent time together on the weekends along with the other two. It was when everyone left that I decided to go to sleep on the couch, after borrowing a pair of old sweats and a t-shirt from the host and taken all my makeup off. I was very drunk at this point, and fell asleep wrapped up in a blanket on the couch immediately.
Sometime later, I don’t know when, I woke up to feeling intense pain. As I came too, still drunk and groggy, I realized he was forcing himself inside of me.
I was disoriented and asked him to stop, then tried to push him off of me. He punched me in the face and held me down as he continued. I didn’t even think to yell for help, I was in complete shock. I was crying and my eye was swollen shut (I later found he had broken multiple blood vessels in my eye, which are still visible today) and after begging him to stop, he finally did but then made me finish him in other ways.
Afterward, he went to sleep on the other couch and I stayed in shock. The next day, I went to my family Christmas dinner and slept through the entire thing.
A few months later, I finally broke down and told my friend and his girlfriend, who told a few other people as well. At first, they were shocked but after a few days, people began to doubt me.
“He would never do that.”
“You were just drunk.”
I was called a slut and a whore and a liar for months, so eventually I just stopped thinking about it. For the next few years I tried to forget that night, but it has continued to haunt me to this day. That one night and the reactions of the people I trusted ruined how I operated in relationships and since then, I have a very hard time trusting anyone. Every New Years Eve, I try to enjoy myself but all I can think about is that night.
This past summer, I saw him on the bus for the first time since it happened. He smirked at me, as to say “I got away with it.”
Seeing him made everything I had been suppressing the past four years come flooding back to me. I was finally able to tell my current friends, boyfriend and admit to myself that it was rape.
The support I’ve had in the past months has been amazing and I now wish I had come forward sooner. My family still does not know, but I will tell them when I am ready.
After four years of anguish, self hate, self mutilation, anxiety and two attempts at suicide, I am finally taking the steps to move on with my life and love myself again.