We had gone to the big gathering to drink, party, and watch fireworks as 12 passed. There was about 12 or so in our group, but a lot got separated in the crowds, which got more solid as the moment approached, meanwhile everyone got more liquids as well.
Midnight rang out, and I kissed all the guys with us, followed by the girls, and then whoever was in reach, and it got more, as I was passed forward to meet more. I was having a lot of fun at that point.
I must end the witness story, as the last I can remember is kissing a lot, and a few wandering hands, which I stopped, for the most part. Past that, I woke up in the shower, got undressed(yes, that was the order), and fell asleep on my couch.
I got together for brunch with the girls, and we synched diaries on the night. One of my best looked away and said she last saw me with a guy behind me. What’s wrong with that, I asked? No, behind you….Leaning on a trash can. What about that? Do I have to say? Yeah, I guess. You were having sex! HUH?! There was a line too. WHAT?!!!! I last saw you walking off with 2 guys arm in arm, but I couldn’t get over to you to find out where you were going.
Okay, I needed to leave at that point. I remember Nothing of any sex. I was thoroughly embarrassed in front of my friends, and had nothing to talk it out over. I had no birth control, nor can I expect that anyone used protection. I’ve had nightmares of possible activities, but I don’t know if it’s real or imaginary. It might sound foolish, but I started drinking regularly from this, whatever happened that night.
— Evellyn, age 34
Dear Evellyn – thank you so much for sharing your story here. What you wrote absolutely DOES NOT sound foolish. Sometimes trauma memories (any trauma) can come to us in pieces. Having said that, I would STRONGLY encourage you to get help with the drinking and with the emotions you’re feeling. Whatever did or did not happen, the emotions you’re feeling are absolutely real and need to be processed. I understand that masking the pain is a natural tendency but drinking is just that – masking the pain. I know you are strong enough to deal with this and I believe in you. If you want to take the first step, there are a couple of hotlines and online resources in the “Get Help” section of this website. Sending you so much love and support!!
Alexis