Almost two years ago now, I was raped on new years eve. One of my best friends from high school was having a house party and I was home from my first year in college. All of my close high-school friends went. Before the ball drop, S (what I will call him) showed up. S was a guy that I had a crush on for two years in high school. I had hooked up with him before but we had never had sex or a relationship. I also took him to the Sadie’s dance my sophomore year of high school. We just didn’t go together so I moved on. So he shows up to my friend’s party with some of his friends. I remember sitting on the counter talking to him. I had been drinking but not too much. Right as the ball dropped for the new year, he kissed me and thats when my memory goes black. One of my friends said at this point she saw S walking me into the back room of the basement but she thought I had agreed to hookup with him. One of my best friends (who I came with) was in the bathroom puking so she didn’t know I needed help. After kissing him, I have a few flashes of memory. My mind goes to me standing in the dark back room watching S lay down a mat. It was hard to see and everything looked like it was fading out. I remember wondering how I got there and what was going on. Then my mind goes to me laying down and S ripping my leggings off while I try to tell him no and that I had never had sex before. That is all I remembered when I woke up the next day. Alcohol has never affected me like that and I had drank more before. That night, my best friend I had went to the party with had been looking for me. She finally found me in the back room, lying kind of in the doggy position passed out. I had no pants or underwear on…he just left me there. Apparently when she tried to help me, all these people came in the room, and someone turned on the light but she kicked them out. I started sobbing and I kept saying how S had drugged me and raped me. I don’t remember saying any of that. She said I wasn’t making sense after awhile and that she had to help me get dressed. Apparently my dad had called my phone (which was by me) many times but of course I couldn’t pick up so he stormed to my friend’s house and knocked on the door and his Mom came to tell my best friend and I that we had to leave. Apparently once S left the room I was in, he went home right away. My best friend had to help me walk me out and my parents yelled at us when we were home. They were freaking out because I could hardly talk to them. When I woke up the next day I got so scared because I had no clue what happened. My best friend had to help fill in my story. I didn’t have underwear on but turns out they were shoved in the side of my leggings. I texted S to ask him what happened and he told me that I had just given him a blow job and said I wasn’t feeling good so he left. I know he was just protecting himself because I remember saying no and him ripping my leggings off. I was even bleeding down there. He had taken my virginity. My entire life until that night I had planned on waiting for the right person as many people do. I used to want to wait till marriage but I had changed my mind. All that got taken from me that night. I had to take Plan B the next day because I didn’t even know if he used protection. If I ever talk about it with friends, they say, “well you don’t really know you were raped” or “Well you don’t even remember it so it doesn’t matter”. One of the things that really gets to me is that I will never actually know what really happened. My friend told me we were back there for about an hour though…and the position I was found in with no pants on? The bleeding? I feel like the evidence is there. I know I have no choice to move on but it sucks that he got to make that choice for me if that is what happened. I’ve never written about this because I always just told myself I wanted to forget about it. Can it even affect me if I don’t really remember it? I always think about that.
— A, age 20