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Night Out

I still don’t know if it is rape. My therapist says it was, and so do the police and my parents, but I don’t want to believe it. I met a group of guys and they all seemed so nice, they let me smoke with them and invited me home. I got so stoned I couldn’t speak or move. One of the men slept with me 5 times even though I was too high to do anything. I was mortified that it was happening but I was drifting in and out of consciousness and knew I couldn’t to stop it. I don’t want it to be rape. If it isn’t, than I was just an idiot who got high and had a one night stand. I am waiting for my boyfriend while he serves abroad. I am so mad at myself, and so scared to tell him. If it was rape than he won’t be mad but I guess I would rather be a cheater than know I got taken advantage of. When I was little I was sexually abused by my great grandfather and I always felt broken because of it. It has made having sex so hard for me and it took a year before my boyfriend and I finally could. But now I feel used and alone and worthless and I just keep feeling like maybe I deserve things like this to happen. It was my personal space and I don’t even know the name of the person who went in it…
I’m so sad.

— Survivor, age 18

7 comments

  • Tracy
  • Xilia
  • Nobody
  • Christine
  • K
  • Alissa Ackerman
  • Brandi

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