Nightmare

I’m 20 now…it started when i was 9 or 10. I once caught HIM watching porn. Unable to understand what it was that he was watching late at night, I asked him. I don’t remember getting an answer but he would invite me to his room later on and it started with mere touches. I didn’t have a clue what he was doing or what his intentions were. All I know is I hate him more than the world. It was my father’s younger brother, he used to stay with us in our apartment and my mother was pregnant at that time. Whenever I returned home from school he would call me to bed and do things. There was a point of time when he would promise me sweet things in return for standing up quietly as he pushed himself behind me. Since he got several attempts to be alone at home with me, he continued doing this. I remember several times he’s made me touch his private parts and times he would do it orally. After a while I stopped going to his room. I was tired and afraid of what he was doing to me. This disgusting asshole continued doing it. I remember once threatening him saying I’ll tell my mother what he was doing to me. I don’t think it bothered him and somehow he changed my mind and to date no one knows what he did to me. When he moved from our apartment I was most happy, as it meant he wouldn’t get his filthy hands on me gain. He visited occasionally, I avoided being alone with him in any room as I was afraid but he would ask me to sit close to him so that he can get his hands inside my pants and he’s done that a few times until I hit puberty. That’s when he stopped this. Then I stopped seeing much of him to my joy. Every instance or gathering I see him, everything floods back into my memory, the wrong he’s done. I feel afraid of confessing. He’s married now with two kids. He’s got a two year old daughter…sometimes I wonder if he does the same things he did to me to his daughter?

I’ve always wanted to confess to my boyfriend this thing about me; that I haven’t told another soul, whenever I talk about family he’s noticed the strong repulsion and hatred I have towards this particular person..I’ve tried dodging his questions many times because I’ve never found the courage to open my mouth and speak to him about it. I fear what he would think about me..I fear him forcing me to tell my family..I fear him not wanting to be with me anymore But there is no one I trust or love the way I do to him and the fact that he wants to have a future with more that I ever did shows how much he loves me, I’ve ALMOST confessed many times.. but never fully opened up. Never found the courage to do that 🙁

It was once when we went out for lunch that we happen to speak something about family and that included HIS name; he stopped me and asked me if i would be honest to him about something, I feared it was the same. “Tell me what happen. I know something you are not telling me because of which you hate him so much it can’t be just family problems. Tell me what it is.” I couldn’t lie. I had promised myself that if I’m going to have a future with him, It is only after I make this confession, I admitted that there is in fact something that HAPPEND. He wanted to know what it was..he asked me if it was something I said yes…but I couldn’t talk further .my eyes welled up and I stayed quiet unable to speak..he saw how uneasy I was feeling and immediately changed topic, later He asked me again why it bothered me so much I said there are things he I never spoke about; he listened to me calm and said I could talk about it if i wanted to or I could keep it inside, but I know I would want to speak about it..my burden would feel a lot lighter i got to speak to him. Nobody understands me like he does, his love and affection moves me but I’m also afraid of how he might react.

I feel like I can relate a lot to this website, because this particular person who molested me was also my uncle. That disgusting human being, and just like you do I hate confronting him. I hate when he asks me how I am and how life is. I hate how he acts as if nothing ever happend. I hate this truth I’ve buried deep inside of me. I hope he rots in hell.