I was 15 when I got raped. I consented at first, I mean it was supposed to be a rebound that’s how I got to the guys house. I met him through others. And he lived near a place that I volunteered for. Everyone told me he’s insane, but I payed them no mind. Once I got into his bedroom I noticed pill bottles, prescription pill bottles, stowed in corners and drawers all over. He was very hyper active, talkative, jumping from subject to subject then he just told me to take all of my clothes off. Since I had consented, I did but that’s when I began to feel odd. He got up before we did anything and locked the door. He came back, and without warning, just started having sex with me. I kept pushing his knees and making noise but he told me to be quiet and to stop pushing him away. In a few minute he just kept pushing harder and I was crying my eyes out, still pushing him off. He grabbed my hands and held them above me against the wall. Eventually, I could feel myself ripping and bleeding and I just got myself out from under him and, naked, crawled to the other side of the bed. He was angry. He got on the floor and pulled my hips towards him. He said “are you on your period?” And I said “no you did this!” I was crying and screaming and shaking. I couldn’t leave. I had to let him drive me home. It could have been a lot worse, but it was still bad.
I didn’t tell anyone. I was embarrassed. I felt like a slut, for even consenting in the first place. My mom was religious and I was afraid she’d be ma at me or that she wouldn’t believe me. It was a mistake, not telling anyone though, because now it is too late. I kept blaming myself, thinking I didn’t get raped. A girl messaged me on Instagram and told me about what he did to her and the situation was identical to mine. That’s when I knew that I needed to at least try to do something.
I told my mom. The cops and the courts can’t prove that he raped me so he’ll never go to jail for it. Or for all the other girls he raped. I don’t know what to do, I feel worthless and angry almost every day. I’m too afraid to go outside, to be around guys, to be around my boyfriend. Everyone thinks I’m so dramatic. I can’t have sex now it hurts physically and mentally. But it’s messing my head up. I’m only 16.
— Dana Schultheis
Hi Dana, don’t blame yourself because of what he did. I had a girlfriend that was raped when she was 9 and I didn’t knew until a few years later. We had sex, and sometimes she would ask me to stop on tears and I thought I was hurting her or something else. When she told me, I could understand and tried to be supportive as much as I could, to make her feel safe and loved. You are only 16 and maybe your boyfriend is not mature enough to know what to do, but if he loves you, he will be patient with you. Have faith in God and He will heal your wounds. If you ever want to talk about, let me know. Take care.
Dearest Dana,
Thank you for your courage and your bravery. I know it takes a lot to share your story and I am so proud of you and inspired by you for doing that. I want you to know that the feelings you speak of are totally and completely valid and real. The psychological impact of rape can impact you for a long time, but I can assure you that those negative feelings you have are not a reflection of who you really are. None of this was your fault. He made a decision to hurt you and you are never to blame for that. As for being afraid, it makes perfect sense that you feel this way. Anyone who tells you that you are being dramatic clearly doesn’t understand the depths of your pain. Healing takes a long time, the journey is different for everyone, and there is no time limit on this. You will heal in your own time. You are stronger than you know, and so much braver than you realize. I will keep you in my thoughts. Lots of love to you, Alissa
Dana – I so understand the feelings of anger and worthlessness. I promise you that you are so not alone in those feelings, but please know that you are neither. Just posting your story for others to read here is such a valuable contribution to the world and will help others feel less alone. Maybe it “could have been worse” but it is not a contest; suffering is suffering and all of your feelings are completely valid. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you are dramatic at all. What happened to you is not your fault, nor are you responsible for what he did to the girl who messaged you. The onus is on him. Please be kind to and patient with yourself – easier said than done I know. It’s a long road but you can heal. Thinking about you and sending you love, Alexis
Dear Dana, I’m so sad that happened to you, and how it is still so painful for you. I can relate to many of the feelings and thoughts you express, as I have and still sometimes feel the same way. Even though you may have consented in the beginning, you made it very clear to him that you changed your mind and that you were saying no. You are not a slut and the blame is entirely on him. You are strong and courageous. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and the Brave Miss World community. You are a survivor.
Dearest Dana-Wow that really takes courage, I was actually inspired by your story because that sort of thing happened to me when I was a mere 10yrs old. But trust me it definitely takes time to heal. I still feel angry with myself. It happened 3yrs ago. Im still pretty traumatized because of the whole affair. We’re all here for you. May God bless you and keep you. Lots of love:Juanelle
may god bless you
Dear Dana. Thank you for sharing your story. Living with such secret is difficult, I know what you feel… I’d advise you to share it with a close entrusted person, I promise it will bring a small relief. I’m struggling with a similar situation and I did it. It helped me enormously.