I don’t remember when my abuser began touching me; I guess I was too young. When I was 6-years-old my mother asked me if anyone touched me, and I finally admitted it was my teenage cousin. He would bring me into his room, turn off the lights, and turn on the TV. I mostly remember images of the room, but I think my mind blocked out what he did to me in order to protect me from the pain.
For years, until I was in my early 20s, I denied I was abused. My family began to believe I forgot about it and they were relieved that we could all keep the peace in the family and move on. I used to look at trauma survivors who had the courage to talk with disgust. I know now that my silence kept me weak and afraid.
Having to see my abuser at family events made me feel like a scared child all over again, at least once a year. I’ve cried and yelled and called my family out for what they’ve done since I found the courage to start speaking! I refuse to spend another holiday enduring the retraumatization my family encouraged for years.
It’s really really hard, but at the same time I finally feel like I have a soul. I’m no longer blaming myself for being “too cute” or wanting to “cuddle too much,” as my abuser explained while defending himself to our mothers. Hearing the stories of others made me uncomfortable in the beginning, but it gave me the strength to tell my story and finally acknowledge that it is NOT MY FAULT.
Thank you to all you brave souls who have the courage to speak out! You’ve brought me back to life.
— Survivor, age 27
Dear survivor,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It always inspires me when I hear survivors say that they found the strength to speak up and that they can finally acknowledge that their abuse was not their fault. You are so brave and so strong and you’ve joined the ranks of unnamed souls who help others find theirs. Thank you so very much for opening up and sharing. I hope it helps you on your journey. You’re last sentence brought tears of joy to my eyes for you. We may not know one another, but your resilience and your renewed sense of life are profoundly moving. Light and love, Alissa
Thank you so much for your support Alissa… I’m crying tears of gratitude as I type this. Something happened to me about 2 months ago that I never would have expected. I thought I had this all “figured out” and had the false assumption that because I gained strength and evolved to a point where my values are clearer than ever I wouldn’t have to go through it again. Then a predator saw me exhausted from traveling for grad school interviews, dropping my luggage, and alone. After disclosing as much as I could remember, my therapist informed me that he began tracking me over the two night stay and found the perfect opportunity to take his prey (me) at the very end of my hotel stay. Who do you think myself and my boyfriend/probably future husband blamed first? Myself of course, and everything else but the rapist. It took a lot of work to get to this point in recovery so quickly. Being raped as a confident, value-driven woman is a completely different experience than the childhood molestation- both are equally horrible in very different ways. I am extremely lucky to first have a support system I can trust (my boyfriend, close friends, and free therapy at an amazing non-profit), and the previous trauma and therapeutic work that brought me to a point of no return in being honest to myself and others. I chose to embrace that little girl inside me who screamed THIS IS WRONG, I WAS RAPED rather than buy into the rape myths so ingrained in our culture. I don’t know how I would’ve survived without the support of others who also chose to believe me rather than the lies our rape culture feeds us. I want anyone who’s gone through this to know that no matter what anyone else thinks they know, you stick with your gut! You know when you were raped so stay strong when you’re challenged. Nothing you did, said, or wore was “asking for it.” Much like a car accident, there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it and it is really not my fault. BUT there is a lot I can do after it happened! Maintaining silence comes from a place of feeling ashamed and guilty. This only gives rapists more room to victimize more women and men… So let’s stand up and shout the TRUTH!! Shame on you rapists!!