No Means No

It feels wrong posting this, but I hope this will help heal me. Twelve years ago, my marriage was in a shambles. I was miserable. My only salvation was my work, and even that was falling apart. My boss, who I thought was amazing, was moving his lab to another state and I couldn’t move with him because of my family. My vulnerable state lead me to fall in love with my boss, who was also married. I ended up sleeping with him twice, at meetings in other cities. It wasn’t long after it started I realized it was a mistake and ended it. He was in another state at that point, and I got on with my life. I’d seen him at another meeting in San Francisco the following year, and he started pressuring me for sex. He seemed polite and harmless, but he kept bringing it up. I didn’t’ tell him where I was staying, but he overheard the women I was talking to that we were all staying in the same hotel. Somehow he figured out my room – he wasn’t an engineer because he was stupid – and was knocking on my door after I’d already gone to bed. He swore all he wanted to do was talk. We’d argued for a few minutes and it was clear he wasn’t going away, so I let him in. He sat on a chair, me on he corner of the bed. I told him that there was no way I was having sex with him ever again, as I had done over and over earlier in the evening. Sitting in proximity, I realized he was completely drunk (he held his liquor well). He wasn’t even listening to me. He pushed me back on the bed and started taking my clothes off. I was stunned – completely stunned. He always seemed so kind. My brain went blank – I was afraid because he was very drunk and physical in a way he’d never been. This is where I have trouble calling it rape. He touched me until I came, and then raped me. I couldn’t move I was so stunned. Then he just got up to leave, and something inside me broke apart. I begged him to at least stay the night. Somehow I thought it would make me feel less raped, but it didn’t. When I told him that he raped me, he laughed. I have avoided going to meetings for years after that, and only go when I think he won’t be present. He found me on LinkedIn and asked if I would be in his current city any time soon and I just said no. He still thinks it was consensual.