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No Title Will Stop How I Feel

After watching Brave Miss World, I saw how strong victims have been. They’ve been able to share without feeling embarrassment and shame, which is what this movement has been about. I am not so brave as you all. I was molested as a child and stayed away from any human compassion. When I tried to make progress with even a hug, I was unable to with my family because they are who knew it was happening. I did a good job at blocking it out until I went to a house party at a mutual friend’s neighbor’s house party. By then I had not taken any drugs and just dabbled with alcohol. I was 18, I was ignorant. I was vulnerable. Not vulnerable in the way most would think so, but more so naive. A man, 12 years older than myself at the time liquored and roofied my drinks. When it was happening, all I remember is yelling “NO, PLEASE, STOP, NO.” I had been a virgin. After it was over I slept in my car and no one knew why. My friend I confided in told me I was crazy, I was a horrible human because she was seeing the man who raped me’s friend. She told a bunch of people after I cut ties with her that it was false and I was crazy. I shut down completely, have never been able to move on. I am now 24 and have never dated because of the things that happened and the lack of trust I have in others. I’m not as brave or strong as the survivors out there but they give me hope that I am not alone. I can’t look even a councillor in the eye to tell my story. It’ll stay hidden though I may forever not be able to have a real, loving relationship like I had always figured would happen. I can’t help but feel guilt, disgust, and hate for myself, but I’m grateful that people have found happiness and peace out if your stories.

4 comments

  • Rhiannon
  • ernesta
  • Alissa Ackerman
  • Cecilia Peck

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