No Wasn’t Good Enough

I was enlisted in the United States Army. I believed it was my chance to find my self and be courageous and to leave the sheltered area from where I was raised, to be a voice. After a deployment with my unit I came home, I was tired and worn out. I had settled in my small apartment that had been vacated my twin sister (who currently followed my footsteps and joined the army and was gone to basic training.) Little did I know that while I was gone she had found my biological brother who had been living on the streets. She offered the extra room in my apartment.

So after a long waited time, I showered and found comfort sleeping in my own my bed. My brother came in around midnight, we spoke briefly and he then left. Around two am I heard him again, the house was black and I couldn’t see anyone. My brother made the announcement that he was home. Loud and drunk and disruptive I told him that I needed to sleep for that I had to be in formation at six in the morning. He said well I have a present for you.

He pushed a heavy set man towards my door and said here is your present, as he pushed the man in to my room he shut my door and held it shut, on the other side of the door he yelled maybe he can F*** you doggie style and you won’t be such a b****. I asked the man to leave, he laughed at me and told me that he wasn’t leaving until he F***ed me. I screamed. My brother turned on his radio at first it was loud but not distracting, then when I screamed again he turned it up to drown out my yells. The man in my room grabbed me by the hair and threw me on my bed. He climb on top of me and he just laughed. He told me that I was the prettiest that he had ever been with.

When he laughed his spit would drop on my face. I would fight him and he would punch or hit me across my face. When he started to kiss me I fought harder, he then put his hands around my neck and chocked me. I passed out. When I came too he was biting my chest and stomach. He was undressed, he tried to force me to do oral on him but I bit him. He punched me again.

He then ripped my pajama bottoms off and bit through my underwear. I kneed him in the chin. it drew blood he spit it in my face, he punched me again, he pinned my arms above my head and tried to force himself inside. I arched my back and it lifted my body off the bed, He punched my stomach and I clasped he raped me over and over again for three hours. When he finally fell asleep I grabbed what ever clothes I could and I ran. I ran and never looked back.

I pressed charges and he and my brother spent six years in prison, my parents took my brother’s side, my brother admitted to doing just what I said. The judge that took my case asked my mother how dare you stand in my courtroom and protect a man who would allow this to happen to his sister? My mother began to speak and the judge said how dare you stand and defend him you should put your arms around your daughter who is defending our country and tell her she is so strong and brave. You need to love her and be there for her, the judge than kicked my mom out of the courtroom. As of today I have not spoken to my mother.
After the sexual assault I asked to be restationed. I was granted my request. I was at my new duty station where I loved every bit of the military. I found my strength, my courage. I began a new rape counseling group for survivors. I fell in love and I found myself I was able to show love and most of all I was able to feel love.

Life seemed to be going really well. I made friends and I was popular, I started to trust and go out and do things. I met a female who I thought we were good friends with. She had just moved and we were having a new house warming party. I didn’t drink so I was just drinking a milk shake through out the party I was asked over and over again to drink from someones cup and I would continually say no. By the end of the night I was really irritated and annoyed so when a male offered me my drink I cheered him and I drank my milkshake we laughed for about two mins then I felt really dizzy and lightheaded, I went upstairs to the bathroom and I lost all cautiousness. Two males carried me down the stairs and to their barracks room where I was raped over and over again by numerous of men, when they were finished they took my body and put me in a parking lot.

I called my chaplain when I was coherent. He took me to the hospital, they did a rape kit and told me that I had been raped, and drugged. they took my clothing and gave me sweats, when I left I was contacted by CID who told me they dropped the charges because two of the five men who raped me were clearing the post and had been transferred to Germany. The CID agent also told me that the army is not a place for a female and that I wasn’t raped I had asked for it because I was taking over the male jobs.

Two years later the two men who were transferred to Germany, had raped four other females. They were honorably discharged and today my taxes and everyone else pay for them to go to school, to have full benefits and to be comfortable while it has taken me 10 years to fight for a disability claim.

– Survivor
Age 19 the first rape, age 24 the 2nd rape