Noah

I was 27 years old when it happened. There was this guy I met through a friend of mine named Noah. My friend said he was a great guy. Said he was newly divorced, cute, a Christian and that I would really like him. Noah and I had talked on the phone a little and we met a few times at various restaurants with his little kids in tow so they could play at the playground as we chatted. I thought we could be friends but I wasn’t really attracted to him and besides I was still in love with my ex-boyfriend Jeff. Sure Noah had beautiful blue eyes but something was amiss about him. One night he calls and asks me if he can come over. So I said it was ok. I still lived with my dad at the time and he owned a duplex. Dad and I on one side; my sister and her two girls on the other. Noah comes over and we all sit down for supper; spaghetti is what’s for dinner. Noah and I get to talking about music. He likes country and I like rock n roll. We go to my bedroom to listen to some music as my dad is watching T.V. The door to my room was open and we are sitting on the floor looking at my vast collection of music. He puts in the CD he wants to hear and I am cool with that. We talk about life and our faith. My dad says he is going to go next door to sit with my nieces while their mom works a second job. I don’t really think too much about anything because he seems to have good morals, is a Christian and seems to like me enough. With dad next door, he kisses me and I let him. I don’t really remember much about it but there were no sparks and it was sort of sloppy. And wet; he was a wet kisser. He goes to the bathroom and comes back and we continue to sit and listen to music. He turns the music up pretty loud. As he kisses me again, I am pulling back because I am not really into him like that.

I don’t know how it happened, but he was on top of me in a flash sort of like an ambush or football tackle. He went from meek and mild to crazy and wild like that. I often wondered if he didn’t take something illegal in the bathroom before this all went down. See Noah was 6 foot tall and about 240 lbs. I was a big girl and weighed about 250 lbs and 5’3″. But he was much stronger than me and yes, big girls get raped too. He had his left forearm pressed into my chest almost into my throat, while his right hand did the work. Before I knew it, he had my shorts off and his pants down. He was so strong and out of control. I couldn’t fight him! He was all over the place, even maniacal. I couldn’t breathe, he was heavy. I was trying to tell him NO!!! But it was a whisper. I was trying to push him off and I can remember my arms stretched out pressed into his stomach in protest, but he had me pinned down.

On March 21, 2001, he raped me on the floor of my own bedroom. As he violated me, my head slams into the stereo that was setting on the floor playing country music. The room is spinning, I can’t breathe and I am going under. I couldn’t do anything so eventually I stopped fighting him. He was so rough, crazy and he even put his mouth on me there and he sounds like a junk yard dog eating a piece of meat. It was disgusting and I am not having any fun. I am dry and he uses his fingers in an attempt to get the juices flowing. He is hurting me! Just stop!!! Please God make it stop!!!! By then I gave up the fight to minimize the harm and let him do what he wanted. He comes back up and finishes raping me. Grunting and thrusting sideways until he is finished. I will never forget his forearm pushing on my chest and the struggle to breathe, nor will I forget how crazed and rough he was. I won’t forget the animal sounds he made. He told me that he loved his name because, all girls say NO at first but then it quickly turns to AH once they get what he’s got! How sick!

When he left, I never spoke with him again. I had several bruises on my body, my vagina was sore and torn. It hurt to walk. Two days later I walked into the police department and finally found the courage to report what he did. No charges were ever filed because I washed the evidence away. About two weeks after the assault I am having female issues and he has given me an STI called trich. I get the much needed antibiotics; life went on and I kept the pain and humiliation to myself. I continued to build a wall around myself so high and tight and didn’t let anyone in. I met a sweet man and got married two years after the assault and we have had our issues because of Noah. I have been with my spouse 12 years and two weeks ago I finally told him all about Noah. So it took me 12 years to trust my own spouse. Talk about damage!

– Tammy