Normalization

Over the past few months, my heart has been occupied by loathe, anger and pain… where a heart that was so quick to forgive, was quicker to judge and hate.. all that anger directed towards the “HE” character who violated me at different stages in my life in different forms.
I’m talking about the “he” character who told me he’d love to marry and have children with the 8-year-old me when he was just in high school…

The “he” character who was my childhood friend, took advantage of the fact that I was alone with him that afternoon fondling and pulling me closer to his erect d**k’s desire as I wait for mamma dearest to collect me from school, rescue me from this scene, when I was only 17 years young.

The “he” character who objectified a 13-year-old me to being a likable girl, he embarrassed me with the sweet nothings declared to everyone’s ears, being the oldest girl in that space at only 13… he was way past 18.

The “he” character who I thought loved me for who I am but it turns out he’s interested in my body, that “he” character is just 10 years older than me when I was just 16-year-old… when he found out that I’m actually 16 and not the 14 he thought I was, his advances were more intense, I became more confused.

The “he” character who I sought security in to hide my own insecurities from the world, I felt like a complete object, when men have done all but make you feel like an object when you’re single… you hope that a relationship status would protect you, the relationship status would leave his mark in his territory for all the guys to stay away, because she’s already taken… that’s the greatest distress a young 18-year-old girl could go through. But he saw more than an object… he saw a subordinate, he saw someone to obey him, he saw a female he could manipulate into getting everything his heart desired… leaving the blurry issue of security blurry… feeling entitled to every cell of my body… every part of me, the desire to strip off any innocence or beauty… the desire to get the first of everything… but I refused to give him… I refused to give him anything he wanted from me.. no kiss, no sex no nothing, upon the realization that I refuse to give him anything he tried to steal he’ll force himself on me at every moment he had, behind those closed doors… but he still got nothing out of it.

That’s how the “he” character portrayed me in an intimate context, and I still see them till this very day…

The “He” character’s mentioned above never apologized, they still smile at me,I really can’t figure out the root of their smiles… nonetheless, I smile right back!

Could I fight the battle against objectification, gender-based violence, sexual harassment and rape culture when I’m this angry? I’d love to fight for all my fellow young women who face this every day, but I don’t want to fight with so much hate and anger in my system… it’s poisoning me, not the “he” character, I’m the one who’s paranoid, while “he” walks the streets with great confidence.

— Samkelo, age 22