Not Another Moment

I thought I had done my work…I went to therapy. In fact, I no longer live in a car – I’ve been clean for over 12 years. I found a loving G-d, a loving husband, and we have three precious children…and then my high school boyfriend, who raped me at 17, tried to “friend” me on facebook. It’s been nearly 20 years and seeing his face made me feel sick to my stomach…worse than that – I had this rage inside that I haven’t felt for years.

My story is not overly dramatic…except that it’s mine, and my life has never been the same since that night. We were a popular couple in high school. We were both State Champions in our respective sports, we were both in Student Council, both on the school paper, all Honors classes. I was Homecoming Queen. We were the picture-perfect couple. My mother said that I intimidated the boys, so when he asked me out, I admit, I was happy. We were getting class T-shirts out of the trunk of his car when I accidentally let it go and it nicked his head as it closed. He backhanded me across my cheek. It’s hard for me to tell you all the signs I had…if I had just paid closer attention. I have to remember that I can not judge my 17-year-old self with the measure of knowledge that I have today.

We dated for a month, at most. I told my parents I was sleeping at my best friend’s house, she said she was sleeping over at my house and we went to a party. I started to drink, beer-whatever was on hand and then we went for a drive. He knew that I was religious…that I was waiting to have sex until I was married. I had a “no back-seat” rule to keep us from temptation, so he raped me in the passenger seat of his white Maxima. I said “no”. I begged him to “stop”…when I started to cry it was like he “woke up”, but he was done by then. He never said a word-just climbed back into the driver’s seat and we went back to the party. Almost everyone was passed out, so I found my best friend and curled into a ball, on the floor, next to her. I remember the next morning so vividly – like in slow motion. I broke up with him over the phone. I threw away my clothes…so much shame.

I went on to college. Broken inside, always a smile on the outside. I lost a full NCAA Division I athletic scholarship because the drinking and the drugs took over. I lost everything…until I got clean. I got off the streets, went back to school, got a couple degrees and am now a licensed therapist.

Seeing his face again, even in a picture on facebook – I could give in to that pain and fear and darkness. Or I could tell you about it and when I’m done typing, I will not give that scumbag another moment of my time, not another tiny bit of my power. #IAmBrave and you are too! Thank you for surviving, and for this website. G-d bless you!