I had been with my ex for 5 years, I loved him so much. He was not always so cruel, or well maybe he was.
From the beginning he cheated on me with like 8 girls. He would deliberately embarrass me out in public. Then became controlling. And paranoid
The first time he was violent with me he ended up head butting me in the face!
He become rough with me during sex and this went on for three more years, until he raped me when I was pregnant and I ended up miscarrying my twins. It started off consensual. He was on a lot of drugs which I didn’t like, but he was sweet and affectionate. But then he did something I asked him not to do, and he continued. He told me to be quiet but I kept telling him please no. I was in so much pain and crying out he put my hand over my mouth and pulled my hair. He couldn’t finish because of the drugs but I couldn’t even look at him. He was talking but I couldn’t listen, my head was making up all these explanations for what had happened to me. Then I started putting him first, I didn’t wanting anything happening to him. Which disgusts me now.
Everything reminds me of it: sitting, standing, different noises I’m terrified of going out. Seeing men is just making me ill.
— Survivor, age 22
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. First of all, what happened to you is not your fault. You said no and told him to stop and that should have been the end. It was NOT your fault and you absolutely did not deserve to be treated that way. No one does. And I am so sorry for the loss of your twins. I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about everything you’ve been through. Your fear of going out and seeing men is normal and sounds like it might be a symptom of PTSD. I believe you can heal from it but I think it will take a lot of work and support. A therapist can be there for you to guide. You might also consider if you have a close friend or family member you can talk to who can be there for you? You deserve all the love, support, and caring.
Survivor, you did not deserve the things he did – i hope you can find the strength to stay away from him and criminals like him. Please i hope you can talk to someone about the bad things he did so you can be stronger – here are 2 numbers 1 800 656 HOPE 4673,, 1 800 799 7233