Off My Shoulders

As a child I was happy and nothing could be more perfect. Or at least that is what everyone thought. My mom probably could be stopped this, but i was never the one to tell and plus he said if iI did he would toy with my little sister. I used myself as his toy in order to protect her from being as sad as I was from what was taking place. He was my stepbrother and he was 4 years older than me. At age 6 is when it started. Started with showing and him touching me and me touching him. Within a few months it went to him having me do oral. At age 7-8, he then would play the “kidnap and rape” game to where he would cover my face and take me to the top bunk and then stick small toys or his hands inside of me. No one knew. My mom was suspicious about it but I always denied it cause he always said he would hurt my sister. Stopped when I was 10 and my mother and his father divorced.

He came back when I was 14 and stayed with us for about two months. He was now 18 and doing heavy drugs. I suppressed my childhood memories with him and so i was excited to have an older brother again. Within the first week he got me drink and made out with me, he made me do oral, and would make me lay with him at night and pull down my pants and touch me with his penis. (sorry just trying to get down to the point) Idk if that is rape or not because he would just stick the top of it in, holding me by the neck making it hard to breathe while in “spooning” position. He would use his hands and also have me use mine. He also began hitting me and making me lose all of my friends.

He then had an idea of making me do favors for his friends in return for money and drugs. The first time he set this up I was unaware since it was my friends older brother. That night he tried getting me to sleep with him but i threw a fit and so he stuck with oral. The next day my stepbrother beat me while mom and my stepdad was at work. I did favors with 3 other of his friends, only two I knew their names.

A few weeks later I began cutting and not eating again. (have had eating issues since age 6) and no longer sleeping cause I would wake up around noon and had want to get high, and then clean house all day, get high, take a shower and then at night get high and he mess with me all night keeping me awake. He ended up tearing a lot of muscles in my shoulder from an outrage.

September 8, 2012 I told my mom some of what was going on and we moved out kicking him and his dad out. She didn’t know the extent of it until I turned 18, this year and still doesn’t know all of it.

The last time he messed with me was Thanksgiving of 2012 when he came over with my stepdad. He somehow snuck into my bedroom and sat on my bed with himself hard and trying to get me to give him oral. I got him out of the room and I’ve seen him since cause has lived with us twice since then but he hasn’t tried anything. Thankfully I am the only child he has messed with in my family.

After that there was a few other experiences such as getting into an abusive relationship with two guys who hit, kicked, slammed against walls and threatened to kill me. One of the guys tried forcing me to have sex with him and I think he somewhat succeeded, but unsure. This happened February-July 2013.

The last day of my ninth grade year in 2013, I snuck off campus with a guy friend. We ended up staying at his house and ended up drinking and getting high. His father ended up trying to have sex with me, which just ended with us heavily kissing and touching. I was too drunk to say no and just told him to stop.

I got with a few more shitty guys but now Im with a boy whom I love. Im having problems dealing with everything now that I am coming to terms with things. Idk if I should be the way I am. I can’t even have a normal relationship with someone because I freak out or get uncomfortable. None of what I have been mentioned has been consensual (other than what I did with my step brother to ensure the safety of my sisters).

— Survivor, age 18