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Okay, Not Okay

Last January was the first anniversary for me since I was sexually assaulted for the first time in my life. I am straight, and I was assaulted by my female friend.

Though I want to/feel that I need to share what had happened to me last year, I barely remember the details of the incident.
I only remember the story just because I told my another friend what happened briefly, and I only remember what I have told to them. And it goes like this-

I went to a house party, where we never had alcohol/drug. It was just a welcoming atmosphere chill party with less than 10 students at my friend’s house. On my way back to campus, the driver who was also a friend of me, raped me in the forest.

I have no idea/memory how and what she actually did to me, how I got back, how I spent 3 months after the incident. But anyway, I though I got over the incident after 6 months, mostly because I forgot almost everything, and lost the feeling of reality that it actually happened to me.

However, 2 month ago, as the first year anniversary passed during winter break, my friend whom I went to trip with, told me that I was freaking out every night in my dream.
After this semester has began, my roommate and our neighbor also (we hang out a lot together) told me that I was having panic attack being out of breath, crying out, and shaking. Last week, when I visited my friends off campus, they told me I freaked out again at night. Again, I was crying out loud, shaking, and hyperventilating, all f which I completely didn’t know until they told me.

I at first thought they are pranking over me. Those stories sounded too unfamiliar to me. I am not kind of person who has problem with mental. Ive been thinking myself as a strong, career-oriented, and determined women. But as day goes, I noticed that I am having many tiny panic moments everyday -when I am seeing my skins while taking shower, when I am struggling with opening the door with key, when I am stepping down stairs, when I am seeing melting snow, etc. I wouldn’t say they are panic attacks, but I notice my heartbeat gets faster and my mind blanks out in certain situations, some of which I still don’t see the connection with the incident.


I look totally okay. I laugh a lot with my friends over memes on the timeline of my fb, I enjoy class discussions, and every conversations that I have with wonderful professors/students at college. However, I know “I” am about to crumble inside without me knowing it. I am so scared that one day everything that I experienced comes back to my memory, and crushes me down to hell.

I dont know why I am posting this. I have no idea whether it’ll help someone as this post contains so small information. But, I want the world to know what rape/sexual assault does to people. It kills people from inside.

— Survivor, age 21


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