Last January was the first anniversary for me since I was sexually assaulted for the first time in my life. I am straight, and I was assaulted by my female friend.
Though I want to/feel that I need to share what had happened to me last year, I barely remember the details of the incident.
I only remember the story just because I told my another friend what happened briefly, and I only remember what I have told to them. And it goes like this-
I went to a house party, where we never had alcohol/drug. It was just a welcoming atmosphere chill party with less than 10 students at my friend’s house. On my way back to campus, the driver who was also a friend of me, raped me in the forest.
I have no idea/memory how and what she actually did to me, how I got back, how I spent 3 months after the incident. But anyway, I though I got over the incident after 6 months, mostly because I forgot almost everything, and lost the feeling of reality that it actually happened to me.
However, 2 month ago, as the first year anniversary passed during winter break, my friend whom I went to trip with, told me that I was freaking out every night in my dream.
After this semester has began, my roommate and our neighbor also (we hang out a lot together) told me that I was having panic attack being out of breath, crying out, and shaking. Last week, when I visited my friends off campus, they told me I freaked out again at night. Again, I was crying out loud, shaking, and hyperventilating, all f which I completely didn’t know until they told me.
I at first thought they are pranking over me. Those stories sounded too unfamiliar to me. I am not kind of person who has problem with mental. Ive been thinking myself as a strong, career-oriented, and determined women. But as day goes, I noticed that I am having many tiny panic moments everyday -when I am seeing my skins while taking shower, when I am struggling with opening the door with key, when I am stepping down stairs, when I am seeing melting snow, etc. I wouldn’t say they are panic attacks, but I notice my heartbeat gets faster and my mind blanks out in certain situations, some of which I still don’t see the connection with the incident.
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I look totally okay. I laugh a lot with my friends over memes on the timeline of my fb, I enjoy class discussions, and every conversations that I have with wonderful professors/students at college. However, I know “I” am about to crumble inside without me knowing it. I am so scared that one day everything that I experienced comes back to my memory, and crushes me down to hell.
I dont know why I am posting this. I have no idea whether it’ll help someone as this post contains so small information. But, I want the world to know what rape/sexual assault does to people. It kills people from inside.
— Survivor, age 21
You are so brave to share your story. It helped me realize I am not alone and that you didn’t do anything to cause it. You were an innocent person who was violated. It will take a while to heal but you are already helping others by posting your story. Thank you
It’s okay. Although I’m not a victim myself, I think talking to people who you can trust will help. Just slowly start sharing when you feel ready. It’s going to be okay. Jesus loves you. You’re not alone. Please, just don’t bottle up all that pain inside you. Did you report the incident? You should (when you’re ready). Sharing your story was a great first step to healing. I know it hurts now but I promise you. It will get better.
Dear survivor – I hope that posting this helped *you*. I know it helped others; as people read others’ stories they feel less alone. It’s hard isn’t it? To be able to appear ok? I think that’s such a huge problem with sexual assault; the outside scars often heal so fast but the emotional scars last much longer. But no one can see them. I would encourage you to see a therapist. What happened may never come back to you but if it does, that will give you someone who is an automatic support system to whom you don’t have to explain yourself. Anniversary time is really hard so I just want you to know that the panicking is normal. Not easy or fun – but normal. You are really strong and you can heal from this. You have my support and my solidarity!! Alexis