I’m currently 16 years old as a junior in high school. I have had my best friend of over two years now, but he is very protective of me. He claims that I have been raped five times based on situations I have told him about, but I feel like that could also just be his opinion. I know one of the five were for sure, but the rest I’m not sure about what to think of them.
The first time was the summer of 2013 right after my 13th birthday and before eighth grade started. I was no where near ready to lose my virginity or possibly have it taken from me. I was part of a volleyball club and I became friends with people there including a few boys, but there weren’t many boys so they were all around 15-16 years old. One day I went to one of the guys house that I got to know and feel pretty comfortable with, and it was nothing more than a friendship. It was a small party maybe twenty people in all. Only a few of us were girls. They were all smoking and drinking which I wasn’t ready for so I declined. I was on a couch with a few guys who were all high and the girl I was with left the room, and I was alone. All of a sudden one of them turned to me and started putting his hand on my thigh. Right away I felt uncomfortable and nervous. I stood up to go find another girl, but he grabbed my arm and continued to touch me. He laid me back on the couch and started kissing me. All his friends did were laugh and make room for him one of them even recorded the whole thing. You could see him pulling my pants and underwear down as I tried scooting farther away. I thought I told him I wasn’t ready, but now I feel I might have just thought it because I was scared and froze up. Then next thing I knew he was inside of me. I’m not really sure if this counts as rape I just know I wasn’t ready.
Fast forward to 2016 which has become the worst year of my life. April 8th (15) I was at a motel with my friend and her friends that I didn’t know. I had never done something like that, but I found out my parents were getting divorced the day before so I just wanted to let go for a night. I got way to drunk and high and even popped a pill willingly on my own. Big mistake mixing alcohol and xanax. I was by far the most messed up there, and ended up passing out in one of the two beds around 11pm. I awoke at 2am a knock on the door about a noise complaint so at that point whoever wasn’t sleeping the night there left, and they shut the lights off and everyone laid down. I was still very heavily drugged and fell right back asleep within minutes, but I had no idea who was in the bed with me or even the room. I was again woken up at 4am, but this time on purpose. I was facing away from him when I could hear someone asking me if I remember them from junior high as he was telling me his name, and I did know who he was. I was still just as messed up as when I went to sleep at 11 though and I was still incoherent to the point I couldn’t form words or find the strength to even open my mouth and my eyes I could only open a tiny slit. As for my body that felt like a feather. I could barely move my own arm. All of a sudden I feel him touching me everywhere and then his hand was down my pants. I felt the bed shake as he crawled out and picked me up and nearly dragged me to the bathroom since he didn’t want to wake anyone up. I was slipping in and out of consciousness all the while blacking out constantly. He kept the light off and shut the bathroom door. Right away he pushed me down and forced me to give him oral. That is when my brain started working a tiny bit and I was able to push myself backwards falling into the floor. He did not like that. He gave me a cup and said it was water. It wasn’t. It didn’t taste right it was bitter. He then pulled me up and pushed me over the toilet and yanked my pants down. I could barely even feel his touch since I could barely feel my own body, but he was definitely having sex with me. I started feeling odd dizzy. The drink. I tried standing up to pull my pants up, but he picked me up onto the counter hitting my head on the wall while doing so. He pulled my pants down farther and began going at it again which is when I passed out unconsciousness for what I believe was 3-4 minutes. When I came to he had completely taken my pants off and was in the middle of taking my shirt and bra off. He began telling me to just relax and that it would feel good. He could tell I was trying to gain some control, but he wasn’t gonna let that happen. My intoxicated self finally found a way to form the word “no”, but he literally held my mouth open making me swallow more of the drink. I couldn’t move on my own or do anything I basically had no choice but to let him have his way. I started blacking out more and he laid me on the cold floor and began touching me and kissing my body everywhere. He tried pushing me down on him to give him oral, but I managed to get one last “no” out before just giving up. He pushed me stomach down on the floor while holding my wrists behind me and put himself inside of me again. He spun me onto my back holding my hands above my head and continued pleasing himself and finally finished inside of me. He dressed me and dragged me back to bed like nothing happened. This is the only one I have spoke up about because my friend told my school, but I still feel like it wasn’t rape because I made myself that intoxicated and easy for him. After this I started drinking more and doing drugs to cope with it. (I didn’t remember almost anything for months after it happened)
The third time was just about a month after the last. I was with my same friend and only her boyfriend. We were having a relaxing night. We went to where he was staying and there was a 22 year old guy staying there too. It was past midnight and my friend went to walk to the 7/11 down the street with her boyfriend leaving me alone with this guy I didn’t know while I was high, on pills, and on cocaine that this guy just gave me to try for the first time before I knew she was leaving. The room was dark and we were on opposite couches. He came and sat next to me asking for my number and just talking. I was pretty messed up but I was still able to be a little aware of what was happening. He then just throws himself on top and begins making out with me. I froze instantly because of the previous event I went through. He ripped my pants off and out his fingers inside of me. He was so aggressive it hurt so bad. He was ripping me apart. He took me up to the bathroom and at this point I’m just in shock that I can’t even talk. He then pulled his own pants down and stuck it right in and began having sex with me. He only took about 5 minutes but it felt like forever. The pain was excruciating. He then told me to get dressed and he went back to the couch. I sat on the bathroom floor bleeding until I heard my friend come back but I didn’t want her to know what happened so I quickly got dressed and left the bathroom.
The fourth occurrence was the summer of 2016. I was hanging around behind a jewel which is known as a common place for teenagers to just go chill and sit on the hill right there which I was doing alone. A 22 year old guy that I knew from work came and sat down next to me and I didn’t think anything of it because we always talked and I’ve known him for a while. We were only talking for a few minutes when he started unbuttoning my shorts. I got quiet and scared and started freezing and I just kept saying “I don’t know” not necessarily a “no” but I was still highly uncomfortable, but by time I could process what he wanted from me he was already doing it.
As for the most recent was in the first week of November 2016. I went to go by a friend to help him watch his baby brother like I had done multiple times when no one else was home. Me and this friend have had a few meaningless hook ups, but everything was always fine. We always had fun with his brother and played games. This time was different. When I got there he went to go check on his brother sleeping in his crib and said he’d be out in a minute so I went and sat in his room on his bed like we always did. Out of no where a guy comes in and immediately shuts the light off and closes the door making it almost pitch black. I got so scared and very quietly said “hello?”. I could tell by the outline that it wasn’t my friend. This guy jumped into the bed and put his large hand over my mouth saying “he said it’s okay to have you, but you better not make any noise”. I was completely sober during this and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so scared i n my life. He made it quick maybe 10 minutes tops. He just pulled my pants and underwear off and then he got what he wanted. I laid there not moving a muscle and not making a sound because I had no idea who was doing this to me and what they are capable of and I still have no idea who it was. I nearly fainted when he left the room trying to stand up. My head was spinning at what just happened. I got dressed and made it to the front door as I see my “friend” and his brother, but just kept walking out the door. I have not tried to make any contact with this guy I thought was my friend nor has he. This is the only time I have ever felt I was actually raped, but others tell me otherwise.
I have so much I could say. But I’ll say this.
Please understand that you are brave and strong. You are a beautiful person and you didn’t deserve anything that has happened to you.
ABSOLUTELY none of these events are your fault.
Always remember that you are loved and cherished. God knows what you’ve been through and he will take care of you. I promise.
First off I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you have gone through so much at such a young age. I also want to congradulate you for coming forward with your stories. All of your stories you have mentioned sound very scary and probably confusing. Please know that you can not consent to sex if you are intoxicated, especially to the point where you can barely function which seemed to be the case in at least 3 of your stories. If you don’t want the sex, have expressed that you don’t even if it’s passive remarks like ‘i can’t, idk, not right now, etc’. If there is any gray area as to if you wanted it or not then it was not that person’s right to make those decisions for you. And especially if they forced you to do things or intimidated or threatened or if they forced themselves on you. It is your body and it should be respected as should your voice and concerns. I strongly encourage you to do research about consent, fight flight or freeze, and PTSD if you haven’t already. I also strongly strongly suggest counseling and if you do not have insurance try to find a women’s shelter in your area. There are also hotlines you can call and chats you can do online at RAINN.com. Please do not think you are weak for going to counseling. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help. Posting your story is a very strong thing to do. After talking to professionals and/or doing research on your own should you come to the conclusions about your experiences. From all your stories it seems to me that your experiences have been awful but only you can decide what happened to you. I wish you all the best. Know you are beautiful, strong, and you are not alone. Take care of yourself, you are worth it.
I read all five of your heartbreaking stories. Yes, all five were rape. All five times, you didn’t want it to happen, and that’s what makes it rape. It’s only rape if you, completely level-headed (meaning not intoxicated, drunk, drugged, etc.) freely gave him permission (AKA he didn’t force you to let him).
In the firsr case, you knew you weren’t ready, so it’s rape.
In the second case, you got drunk and drugged willingly, but that takes away your ability to give consent since you’re no longer thinking at 100%. In fact, with what strength you did have, you even said no, so go you, double whammy on that monster.
In the third case (and with all five really), any real man would know you didn’t want it, so that too is rape. I don’t give a damn what shit that monster tries to justify his actions with. Also, five minutes is five minutes too many unless you give a clear yes, which you definitely didn’t.
Fourth case – when talking about consent, the only thing that means yes is yes. Anything other than a clear yes is a definite no. I don’t know is a no. That too is rape.
Onto the last case, you didn’t know who the guy was, so that already makes it rape. Plus, if other people say it wasn’t rape, they’re wrong, and I’d bet my life on it, because you yourself said you felt like it was rape. Since you didn’t want it, it’s rape. Please don’t listen to others who say it wasn’t rape – they didn’t go through the ordeal, you did.
If anyone reads these and says any of them weren’t rape, they’re either lying or flat-out ignorant. I’m truly heartbroken that you’ve been through all this, and the fact that it all started when you were only 13 makes it that much worse. Once in a lifetime is absolutely horrible, but FIVE times in THREE YEARS? I can’t even begin to try to comprehend the pain you’ve been through. But you’re an incredibly strong young woman, having posted these even uncertain cases on the internet, and for that, you have my eternal respect and admiration. All I can say is, I’m sorry that all this happened to you, and I admire the strength you’ve shown. Keep fighting, you’re definitely worth it!
I forgot to proofread before posting. Line 3, it’s only NOT rape if…
One final thing I need to say – you are not at fault at all for any of this. If you wanted to drink and take the xanax, that’s perfectly okay. If you knew that doing so would make you “easy for him”, that doesn’t change anything. No one deserves to be voilated the way you have been, ever, and the fact that he took advantage when you were weakened makes it even more so rape, not less so. You are not at fault. You did nothing wrong. Don’t even try to justify your rapists’ actions or motives, just focus on sticking with a crowd that will hrlp and support your healing. You are strong. You are never alone. You will always be worth fighting for.
This is just heartbreaking to read your stories. I am a mom of 3 boys who are now grown men, and I honestly don’t k ow what I would do if I ever found out one of my own sons could do something like this to a girl. It’s makes me very angry that these men or boys are such predators. I can only suggest that you take the advice given to you above, and also try to be very careful about who you hang around, when and where you party, and who you trust. It’s wrong what happened to you, and nobody has a right to do these things to you. And, in a perfect world, this would not have happened to you or these boys/men would be in jail. But, the reality of the situation that us women have to live in is that there are many, many males that are predators, and you must always be vigilant and use good common sense to avoid or prevent as much as you can. It’s not your fault, and don’t ever blame yourself for the assaults men have inflicted on you. Good luck and be safe.
So sorry you have had to go through this!
Unfortunately they were all rape, and just so you know, you could be passed out naked next to a guy or running down the street naked and that still doesn’t mean they have to right to rape you or that you are somehow to blame because u are not!
Please talk to a therapist, they have helped me so much with my bad experiences but don’t put it off, do it soon so you can live your whole life happy again. You will be happy again, and you will be safe again. Stay strong x