At fourteen I learned a valuable lesson. Being drunk means you are not in control of what might happen.
It was a Saturday evening and I stayed at my friends house with her and one other friend. Let’s call them Jane and Mary.
The plan want to have a camp out in a field near her house and get drunk. It wasn’t long until the older boys near where the field was came out to join us in out camp out.
While attempting to put up a tent drunk and realizing we only had one two man tent to share between the three of us.
The night had taken a turn for the worst when it started to rain. Most of the other boys had headed home. Mary had decided she was interested in one of the boys and he ended up in a tent with her there was no space for us.
So My friend Jane and I were left out in the cold. She contacted her ex-boyfriend who called Mick. He lived not to far from the field because we knew going into Jane’s house drunk would be a big no!
He agreed to let us in for awhile. Just so that we did not catch a cold.
I said I would take the camp bed and my friend was on the floor with Mick and Mick’s friend was on the bed.
My friend said she wanted to sleep in the camp bed instead of me, so as good friend should, I said I would happily take the floor next to Mick instead.
I turned away from him to try and sleep and he was rubbing himself against me. He started to touch my vagina. I didn’t say no at this point, I didn’t mind. It wasn’t until he decided to get up and get a condom that I was starting to feel uncomfortable as there were two people in the room and this was supposed to be my first time.
He got on top of me and this is where the evening goes blank. You see, I’ve not told this story before because it wasn’t brutal. I wasn’t even held down. It’s effected my life as I cannot say the word rape without dying inside. I’ve never written this down before I’ve only touched on the subject with people. It’s easier that way, it makes it not a big deal of something I can pretend never happened to me.
It effected me more than I could ever imagine. I constantly need to feel in control of situations. In my further teens I slept with more people than I’m proud of because I didn’t know how to connect to men.
But now, 4 years after this experience, I’m slowly trying to get myself help to deal with it. I also have a wonderful boyfriend who is slowly helping me to build back my self respect and helping me love myself and him.
— Olivia, age 18
Dearest Olivia,
Putting your story in words for the first time takes a lot of strength and bravery. I am so proud of you for writing it down. Harmful sexual experiences take on many forms and they have different impacts on different people. A lot of people try to minimize what happened to them because it makes it easier. The good news is that you get to call this whatever you want to call it. If you can’t say the word rape, you don’t have to. You, and only you, get to define your story. Your feelings are and I am proud of you for admitting them. I am glad you are getting help. If you want information or resources, respond back to this post and I will happily help you. I’m sending you love – Alissa
Olivia –
Telling your story for the first time takes so much strength and courage and I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am of you. Your feelings, especially the need to be in control, resonate so much with me and I’m sure with many others reading your post. As Alissa said, you get to chose what words you use to describe your experience. Please know that it doesn’t matter if it was “violent” – what happened to you can still impact you deeply so I’m glad you are getting support and help now. Please know that I do think there was only one bad decision made in this story – and it was his decision to do what he did NOT any of your decisions. I know that in time you will thrive and continue to heal. Wishing you all the best!! Alexis
Dear Olivia, Thank you for sharing your story so courageously with us. I think the first step in healing from trauma is often putting the experience into words,and I am honored to be part of the community that is the first to bear witness to your story of survival. It doesn’t have to be brutal or violent to be rape, or to cause pain or have a significant negative impact on your life and your relationships. I am happy your boyfriend is so kind and supportive. Much love to you.