One in Four

I came into college knowing the horrifying statistics of rape, but I never thought that I would be the one in four. My night started like any other night of drinking and hanging out with my roommate, only this time our “friend” asked if he could come join us. We said yes, as he was a friend who we knew to be the life of the party. I remember sitting at our kitchen table playing quarters and laughing at the jokes he was telling us. If only I had known that in less than two hours from that moment that the only joke I would be laughing at was myself, and the thought of this man sitting in front of me really being a friend.

I walked to my room only to find that my door had been closed and the lights to be turned off. I opened the door only to find him laying in my bed under my comforter. At first I thought he was just trying to be funny, but to my unfortunate surprise it was no joke. I asked him what he was doing in my bed and he said that he just wanted to watch a movie with me. So I sat down next to him only to find that he had already removed his pants, and he had clearly anticipated what would happen next.

Sometimes our bodies react to situations in ways that our minds do not, and in this case he assumed that because my body said yes that all of me meant yes. I specifically remember saying no, and begging him to stop but he just kept responding by saying that, “you want it, otherwise you wouldn’t feel like this”. He had no idea how I actually felt, nor did he care, and it was only when in gasping for air from his tight clench that I found the strength to push him off of me. He left without much of a fight once he heard my roommate coming down the hallway to see if the screaming she heard was coming from my room.

I spent the next few hours being poked at by doctors and nurses, and I never felt more embarrassed. I felt powerless. A year later and I can still remember that exact feeling I had sitting in that hospital room. I never felt as alone as I did in that moment, and I would never wish that feeling on anyone else.

A little while later I spoke with law enforcement, but when asked to give the okay on making an arrest I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t process everything that had so quickly happened in a matter of only hours. They told me to call my parents and get some rest before giving them an answer, as they understood that this was a traumatic time. My parents insisted I press charges and that a monster like that deserves to rot in a prison cell, and while I knew this all to be true I couldn’t do it. I wanted so badly for everything to be over, I hoped and prayed that it never actually happened, and that I had just dreamt it all. Except, this is one nightmare that I can’t seem to wake up from. I suppress my emotions and keep my thoughts to myself because I want so badly for it all to just disappear, but it won’t. I lost a part of myself that night that I know I will never get back, and trying to live with that has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

— Survivor, age 22