I’m the one who got myself that last beer that made me black out. I should’ve known my limits. If I really didn’t want it, why would I have let him into my dorm upstairs from the party? Maybe he was black out drunk too. Sometimes when I drink too much I lose my memory while I’m still conscious. Also plenty of people have embarrassing drunk hookup stories and don’t call those rape. Somehow my only clear thought when I woke up, naked in my dorm bed with that pink condom in the trash can, was that “it was the Japanese exchange student.” But maybe it wasn’t the creepy one who was making me uncomfortable at the beginning of the party. I could have just hit it off with one of his friends. And most importantly, I don’t even remember the events, so how dare I compare my experience to the experiences of survivors of sexual assault who have experienced real trauma? I have no memory so I’ll never know if this was truly rape, and I acknowledge that no, this does not compare to horrific experiences many survivors of sexual assault have had. Nevertheless, ever since my virginity was taken from me this way, I don’t always feel as though I am in control of my own body.
I was 19 and wanted my first time to be intimate, but some drunk guy decided he wanted to masturbate with my body. I didn’t feel sad or scared, I just felt empty. Honestly, it almost scared me how apathetic I could be. A month later I had unprotected sex 3 days in a row with the first guy who slid into my DM’s. I know virginity is a made up concept, and sex can be physical without an emotional connection, so it felt empowering to think that he wasn’t the one using me for his sexual pleasure, since I was also using him. However, I know I would never have gone for him in other circumstances, and I only went with it to create better memories of losing my virginity “for real” this time. I don’t think that’s inherently a bad thing, but I know I’m this situation I wasn’t truly empowering myself because I didn’t speak up and make him wear a condom. Instead I just quietly took Plan B on the last day.
Since then I’ve felt the need to “reclaim my sexuality” by being overly promiscuous when I drink, but I always let it go too far and come away feeling dirty and ashamed. Now I try to drink less and be more careful with my body when I go out, because your body is the only thing you truly own. I can do whatever I want with it, but I’m not going to leave that choice up to anyone else.