Only Six

I’m scared to write this here, but I need to open up.

When I was 6 years old, I lived with my mum in really quiet and nice neighborhood. It was summer, I went to my friends place and he lived like 10 minutes away from home. It was around 6:45pm because I needed to be home at 7pm. It wasn’t dark, it was warm summer evening. I was walking street to home, a man with a car stopped next to me and he opened his window and said something like this “Come in, I have some candy.” But I didn’t go, because my mum did raise me well and I knew that I can’t talk to strangers.

I just continued walking a bit faster than before. He started to follow me with his car and he opened the door, and started to run after me. I ran, but god I was only 6 years old little girl I couldn’t ran fast. He took me to his arms and took me to car. He started to drive while I was tied in backseat. I don’t know how long it took. But then he stopped to car, and he came back to me and he took my panties away, (I had dress on.) He raped me. I cried and I tried to get away and I screamed, but no one didn’t hear me. It was the longest minutes in my whole life. When he stopped, he slapped me to my face and pointed me with his finger and said “If you tell anyone, I fucking come and do this all over and I’ll kill you.” I left the car running.. I was a bit far from home, but i still knew where was I.
Near home I made myself to fall so I get cut on my knee. So i had reason to cry. And I went home.

Im now 17 turning 18 in couple months, and I still haven’t tell this to my family. Only one person in the world knows about this, and she’s my girlfriend. Since that happened, I’ve been scared of males. Yes, my dad too. My mum and dad aren’t together, and always when I meet him I try to act normal. But it’s hard. Honestly I can’t be with male. Even if it happened a long time ago, I can’t forget it. It comes to my mind more than once in a week. The memory is with me wherever I go. I don’t want to live like this. I rather to be dead than live the rest of my life like this. I know it’s too late to get help, I mean they will never find him.

I needed to open up to someone, because honestly…I want to talk to someone. I want to talk to someone who will understand, and feel the pain I feel.