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Out of Control

I’m a 19 y/o freshman in college, and this was the first New Years Eve that I haven’t spent with my parents. I went with two of my friends to a frat party at our state college. I told my parents I was staying at a girl friends dorm afterwards, when in reality I was staying at the house of an older guy I’ve been hanging out with. He’s 24 and I’ve known him for about six months. We casually make out sometimes but he knows I don’t want to take things further than that. I’ve made it clear I don’t want to have sex with people I’m not dating.
My friends and I stopped by his house beforehand for some pre-party drinks, then caught a cab to the frat house. The party was really fun, the people were all really nice, and we danced and drank and celebrated the new year. Multiple guys flirted with me and tried to make moves on me, but I was on my period and not in the mood. I politely shot them down, and they were cool about it and left me to dance with my friends.
By the time we got back to my guy friends house we were all extremely drunk. My two friends immediately fell asleep on his couch, so he took my hand and lead me upstairs to his room.
I remember laying down and just wanting to go to sleep. He had other ideas. The next thing I remember he was pulling down my leggings and thong. I thought when he saw the pad I was wearing he’d remember that I was in my period, but he didn’t notice or care. I wanted to tell him to stop but I was quickly losing consciousness and couldn’t get any words to form. I just wanted to sleep. He leaned down and whispered in my ear that he had a condom, and was going to get it. I rolled away from him to the other side of the bed and closed my eyes. He’d notice that I was too drunk for this. He’d stop, right? I must’ve passed out, next thing I remember I was pinned under him and he was inside of me. I tried to push him away but It was useless. He’s tall and quite strong and I knew iI had no chance. He was hurting me but the only sound I could make was a moan, which only made him go faster and harder. I closed my eyes and tried to just go limp. I woke up again a nd he was inside of me again, but in a different place than before. That’s when I truly gave up. The last thing I remember was the terror of being aware of my situation but unable to protest at all. That’s all I remember.
I woke up alone the next morning in nothing but a t-shirt. There was a text on my phone saying that he’d gone to work and that I should go get a morning after pill. I could barely remember anything but I was sore in places I knew I shouldn’t be.
I went downstairs and my friends were laughing about how fun the party had been, and they asked how my night was. Everything was so hazy and I was in complete denial so I told them everything was fine, but that I needed to go get a pill. We stopped at the pharmacy and then we all went home.
He texted me again about the pill and said that he hadn’t used a condom the whole time. I told him I took it, and made it clear I was pissed, but I wanted to let it go. Soon the memories started coming back and I felt sick to my stomach. I showered four times but still felt filthy. That four letter word kept going through my head. But it wasn’t really rape because I hadn’t actually told him to stop, right? I googled it and found that the absence of “no” is not consent. And a drunk person cannot give consent. If rape is unwanted, non-consensual, sexual intercourse, then that’s what had just happened to me. I texted him again to tell him how violated I felt and he apologized and said he hadn’t meant to hurt me.
I’m not planning on telling anyone but my closest friends, and I definitely can’t report him because my parents can’t know. Whenever I sleep I have nightmares about what happened, about being terrified and pinned down with zero control over my situation.
And that’s how I started this new year.

— Survivor, age 19

2 comments

  • Brandi
  • Alissa Ackerman

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