Being raped was something I never ever imagined would happen to me, the hurt, the pain, sickness to my core, but I know I was never to blame for what happened. Here is my story told in part poetry form and anyhow I can express what happened.
I have to write about the pain as I cant run away, its in my guts, in my soul and tries to remind me that my choice and power was taken away, I was taken advantage of in a cruel inhumane way.
As I build myself back to the reality of my life, I must accept and confront the pain ,however hard and painful and real.
At the time, It was perfectly normal, popping for a drink in the pub and making friendly small talk with a stranger on a first date, it seemed like all my other dates.
However, I realized as soon as I started to feel weird and strange inside, he seemed nervous and fidgety uneasy with his surroundings, jumpy and twitchy, he kept waiting and watching my eyes to see what I was doing.
I was drowsy, almost unconsciousness fading in and out, who am I, am me, am I me?, can’t see, nor can I hear people, a muffled noise, no -one to help me!, can’t run! ,what the hell is wrong with me, oh god help me!! .
Feel rooted to the chair, frozen in fear, Im in danger, Im screaming in my head, can people hear me in my head, oh help, shit, think I am in trouble, in danger, but can’t run, can’t move, frozen, uncomfortable, stomach lurges with the realization i’m being under the influence of something, my brain wont act.
I’m led to the cinema, still feeling powerless, a rag doll, he holds my hand, a pretense, like we are lovers, a sickening smile on his face, like he knows he has me under his control. I obey him, as I have no sense of the present or reality or time, film starts, can’t remember the film, can’t see the actors, can’t recall the people, brain in a fog, fuzziness.
He moves my hand to touch his penis, makes me stroke it up and down. I pull away in disgust, but he grabs my hand, saddles up to me, tries to affectionately stroke my hair, fuck off I say, but still can’t move.
I hate this, leave me, I scream out, but the words are caught in my mouth, suffocated by my words, cant understand what is around me, see a few people in the rows down below, try to reach out, but my arm is limp, no strength, no energy, fearful, frozen, immobile, a dish rag, drained, exhausted, have no fight.
Makes me perform on him, slower he says, making me suck and then again, feel horrified, fucking sick, he says good girl, and smiles, touches my boobs, hides us under the coat further from preying eyes,
Asks me if his penis is the ok size? I don’t say anything, stunned in shock, can’t talk, he’s deadly quiet, then makes me pull my jeans down, puts his fingers up my behind, then insert two fingers then, wipes the fluid on my coat or chair, can’t recall, just numb, shocked into stunned silence.
Mind goes into make believe, I know deep in my soul, it’s disgustingly sick, feel hatred, rage, but cant get away, cant remember did I walk towards the car? or did he hold me? mind goes blank, come out of cinema, oh no i’ve missed the bus, heart sinks.
Now I realize have to get a lift with him, still cant run, feel vulnerable, clingy.
He holds my hand, he laughs as we get to the car, did he help me in or did i go in myself? ,how the hell did I even walk here? brain freeze, sat in car , recall brown seats, religious symbol hanging up. He frets about the parking, is it free after 8pm on a saturday.
Then he is quiet. World shuts down into a bubble, him and me and no-one else, fear, disgust cheated betrayal danger, how could i be like this, vulnerable, unsafe, lord I’m in danger, petrified, scared, will he kill me?
Drove to my home, he aggressively came inside my home, muttered he was cold, came inside, tried to rape me on stairs, pleaded screamed for him, no im not ready, prayed to God for him to save me from this bastard, tried to push him away, no strength, body shutting down, angry inside at how weak I feel.
Dragged me to the bedroom, raped me on bed, threw condom on, then packet into top drawer, ”thats for next time” he brassily says to me, shut door, then touched my face ‘don’t worry’, then he left,
Front door shuts, he drives off, I’m in total shock, stood frozen
I knew my world would never be the same, somehow, at 3am, my mind realizes something horrific happened, i wrote an email to the bastard. ” you bastard you raped me” you come near me again i’ll call the police”, the drug was wearing off, or was it because, I was home and he had gone, did I really understand what on earth had happened tome, felt dazed, confused, shocked, bewildered, was I in a dream, was this real life, my life, yes it happened to me, this rape happened to me.
On reflection after the incident I wrote my anger out,
How I hate you, you fucking bastard. Your face is sickening. You tried to rip out my guts, tried to destroy my life, because you saw me as vulnerable.
But I’ll go on and be happy, I’m not a low life loser like you. One day god will judge you and you will sent to the pit of hell, to rot for eternity, to cry and moan and scream with all the other rapists.
You will never break me, you will never take my life or break my soul,
I will rise like the strong girl I am and conquer my life back.
I will be more powerful and strong then you’ll ever be,
You will never break me or my faith, in Jesus Christ,
For I will rise like the phoenix from the ashes and be a beacon of light to all those in despair.
I am a fighter and more powerful,
You are a gutless rapist bastard, a smelly greasy Indian, who is a loser, no job, a loner, an introverted loser, a no hoper, a forgotten figure on this earth, no- one will cry when you die, no-one will love you, you don’t love yourself,
I will cheer, when your sent down to prison for a very long time, people will clap and dance when you face life in jail.