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PART 3: My True, Horrid, and Concluded Story of Abuse

“I’ve never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. The pain is like an axe that chops my heart. ” —Yann Martel. I woke on October eighth atop of a brown couch in my aunt’s house. Text messages blew up my phone from previous friends: “ Hey when r u comin bck 2 school?”, “I miss u mucho, you better be comin bck soon!”, “Promise that u r comin bck 2 school tomorrow!” Hoping I would, I promised I would be back at school soon. Of course I wanted to go back to school; I had it all: amazing friends, good grades, and sports. I was making something of myself outside of that devil’s palace. Life was always better outside of the house.
You would think that with how many times I have experienced them,
Goodbyes would be much more easier.
But they aren’t becoming any easier…
Each and every goodbye I have faced,
Has left a deep wound on my heart
-some wounds are deeper than others.

However, the longer I had not seen them, the more I had resented my parents for not fighting for me to go back home. All the family I knew was in that one place. When I came out with what had happened between my father and I, more things began to change. Other than what I chose to remember, all memories of my former life were forgotten. All promises made were broken. Best friends turned into strangers. A new, unwanted beginning was in process.
What can ease this horrid breaking of the heart?
Pie and ice cream- chocolate perhaps?
Everyone leaves.
No one stays.
You may think I am overreacting,
But I assure you I am not.

To fit into my new seventh grade class, I simply said I had not known who my parents were nor did I have any intentions on meeting them. On the outside, it seemed as if my life was completely perfect. However, on the inside, I was breaking: heart colliding with head in an endless battle of what I wanted to believe and what is true.
You would think that I would learn by now,
The less people I know, the less goodbyes I have to say.
But I am not learning anything.
Each and every person I have met,
Has left a uncomparable impact on who I am today
-some more uncomparable than others.

In the nights that followed, I hoped and prayed that my mother would leave him and say that she wanted custody of her children. I kept reciting the things I had done in my life, trying to figure out what I did to make my parents hate me, so I could fix it. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep; I would just keep crying and crying until my insides started to hurt.
What can ease this horrid breaking of the heart?
Pie and ice cream- chocolate perhaps?
Everyone leaves.
No one stays.
You may think I am overreacting,
But I assure you I am not.

My brother and I were not on well speaking terms either, for he lived with my grandmother. We both had school, and even when he did visit, we would always fight.
You would think I would not try anymore,
To open up my heart or to become close to anyone.
But all I do is try and try.
Each and every time I am faced with the opportunity to try,
I take that time and I try incredibly hard,
-sometimes more incredibly harder than others.

There was a brief moment where we had the chance to see my mother. Starting November of 2015, visits were weekly, and they would usually last two to three hours. I only had three hours every week to see my mother; now how in any world is that fair? It did not matter though because either way I had the chance to see her. I could deal with everything as long as I just had the chance to see her.
Until…….
My mother only had the chance to say two words before I started crying: I’m pregnant. These two words made me think two things. First, I thought that I was going to have another sibling. Now I might lose someone else. And second, I thought of the timing, which means that she would have had to had sex AFTER my incident.
What can ease this horrid breaking of the heart?
Pie and ice cream-chocolate perhaps?
Everyone leaves.
No one stays.
You may think I am overreacting,
But I assure you I am not.

***
To conclude, I have a brother. Somewhere out there in the world, right now, I have a brother, and I do not know his name nor his current address. He was born to the two people who were supposed to love me. I have a brother, right now, who will grow up without knowing he has three older siblings. I have a brother who I do not know if I should love or not but have never seen. It is funny how I can feel a goodbye towards a person I have never met before in my life. I have a brother. “I’ve never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. The pain is like an axe that chops my heart.” —Yann Martel.
***
I have not learned my lesson in goodbyes,
You would think I would, right?
(poem: Goodbyes by: Jocelyn Fetting)

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