“Let’s play a game.” is what started it all as far as I could remember. I was born to a well-off family and raised with maids and nannies. My parents would leave the house for works weeks at a time with me, my younger sister and younger brother left to paid strangers. But they were at ease since they paid my youngest uncle (a year older than me) to stay with us while they were gone. This particular uncle was the youngest of four brothers and the most responsible one. His family had fallen into harder times so my parents wanted to help out. We played a lot and he taught us the basics of cooking and cleaning.
One day, we decided to visit his house because the maids were complaining about the messes we made or something. I remember we were playing with Pokemon Cards in his bedroom when the eldest uncle walked in and complained about the mess. The brothers fought and ended with the youngest leaving the house in a fit. My sister and brother followed him but I chose to stay and clean up the pokemon cards on the bed. I remembered my manners as he asked me about Pokemon. I told him all about it. He said he wanted to do a different game.
I vaguely remember the details thereafter, but I remember suffocating as he forced his manhood in my mouth and rubbing his thing on my genitals. I don’t remember if there was actual penetration. But I remember being complacent about the series of events that lasted for months. I didn’t realize that what I was doing is wrong. I was shaken when I had a slip of the tongue with my nanny and she reacted in a disgusted manner. I realized that what I did was wrong. Since I couldn’t ask anyone about it, I decided to research it.
What followed was years of believing I was pregnant, starving myself and contemplating suicide. As a result, I don’t have good grades like my siblings, I’m underdeveloped with scoliosis, trust issues and a distaste for water. I think the emotional damage was the worst as I cant seem to stop thinking about it. I was taken advantage of. He took my childhood from me. I envy everyone of their happy childhood memories.
— Survivor, age 23
Dear Survivor – There are so many things I want to say to you and I don’t know where to start – so I’ll just pick a place to start. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. The wrongdoing is your uncle’s and not at all yours. The way your nanny reacted – I can only hope that she was reacting with disgust toward his actions and not toward you. But if not, that reaction reflects only on her. All of your feelings afterward – the trust issues and the emotional damage – are completely normal, even though they feel awful. Talking about it with someone you trust or with a counselor can help you work through the emotions and really process that what happened to you is not your fault. There are some resources on this website and I hope you will use them to move toward healing. You can have a beautiful life ahead of you – I know it. I believe in you and am sending you lots of strength.
Dear survivor,
It is often the case that survivors blame themselves or question the role they played in their abuse. You said it correctly at the end of the post that you were taken advantage of. He harmed you and you didn’t do anything wrong. Everything you’ve experienced in the aftermath are normal reactions to child sexual abuse. Often, the emotional effects have a lasting impact. I do believe that it is possible to move beyond trauma. It is a long road for some, but I have no doubt that you can do it when you are ready to. Remember, your feelings are valid and real. I honor them and you and I will keep you in my thoughts as you continue to navigate this journey. In solidarity, Alissa