Throughout my adult life I have struggled with conflicting emotions, grief, shame, and sadness.
When I was 15 I was raped by a guy I was dating. I was young and very naive. When I met him, he swept me off my feet. He said all the things a girl wants to here. He was 19 and very handsome. I felt flattered and was happy that he was of the same religion.
He began quickly grooming me. He sunk his hooks deep into me and wanted to get me to give him my virginity. To him, it was a conquest that he wanted to conquer. He began working at the same job as me. He would ask to give me rides home and go over music for our worship service.
I was completely taken by him. I had never felt so alive. I was intoxicated by him. He began pushing my limits to explore me sexually. He wanted to see how much I was willing to give to him. He had me so turned on that I was willing to do everything but have sex. I was persistent in my will to maintain my virginity. I was 15 and wanted to save myself for marriage.
One night after work, he asked me to stay with him in his car and mess around. Having done so before, I was a willing participant. But this night he decided he wanted to take it all the way. He begged me to perform anal sex with him. As he tried to convince me that I would still be a virgin. I refused. He began pushing his 6’3″ stature onto my 5’2″ frame. I was pinned in his car.
That night he forced himself into me. I began crying and was bleeding. I have blocked out much of that night but have flash backs of the pain I felt. I also have flash backs of saying nothing. I was too afraid to speak out. I was too afraid to say no.
After that night, I had sex with him willingly for the first time. He demanded that I do it again. However, he wanted me to “enjoy it more”. I was so swooned by him that I just wanted to feel his love. I had convinced myself that he would marry me since he took my virginity. I actually believed that it was my fault that it happened. I didn’t want to feel pain again so I tried enjoying it when he asked again.
After I told my parents, it became a dirty secret. No one believed me. My parents believed me but they didn’t want to talk about it. The only male I had confided in sexually assaulted me only weeks after my rape. I thought I was safe and realized that they both wanted me for their own needs.
Since then, I have lived with this burden. They escaped unscathed because of my fear of speaking up. My fear of being judged has led me to justifying their disgusting actions. I have tried to tell myself it wasn’t my fault but society tells women otherwise. People do not want to face the reality that no means no. Instead they see that I had been sexual with him before and therefore, assume he had full rights to my body.
I am now 21. I am also now married. However, this secret burdens my spirit and causes friction in my marriage. I do not enjoy being touched or feel pleasure from sex. I had ZERO desire to be intimate with anyone. I don’t want anyone to touch me. Hell, I don’t even want to touch myself. I am ashamed and have no one to talk to about this. My husband has similar feelings as your boyfriend. He doesn’t want to imagine this. My friends don’t care, and my family wants to ignore that it happened.
I need to be heard. I need to release this secret from me. I need to find peace. I’m not sure how to achieve the happiness I once had. I don’t know if I can ever be truly happy.