was 15. And still, until this day I don’t have the courage to call what happened to me “rape”. I call it sexual assault. “I thought u we’re telling people that I raped u witch I didn’t so I was gettin all scared”. My sexual assaulter apologized to me on Facebook the day after. He made it clear that since there was no penetration with his genitals, he didn’t rape me. Afraid of being the girl who cried rape, I told him “I mean I’m a forgiving person. I don’t wanna say it’s ok cause what you did made me cry for three hours. Cause I said no but you still did it out in the open in the marina when you knew I liked [My ex boyfriend]. It’s gunna take time but I’ll eventually forgive you… But I also met you three days ago.” Trying hard to still be a feminist and let him know that what he did was wrong but still trying to remain “cool”, because I wanted his friend to date me so bad, I knew this would not happen if I “cried rape”.
I was 15, this was my first sexual encounter, this is where I started to view sexual activity as a thing I could no longer say no to. From then on I was conditioned that even if I said no, like I did that night, crying and begging for him to not touch me, that it would still happen anyway. My body still shutters today when I remember the final message of the conversation where he said “Ok well just dnt say anything to anyone”. This 16 year old boy told me not to say anything because he thoroughly knew that what he had done was illegal. I said no when he asked if he could check if I was a good kisser and he kissed me. I said no when he untucked my tank top and shoved his hand into my underwear. I said please stop, crying, when he shoved three fingers into me, dry. He was drunk, it is not an excuse. Everyone who knew about the situation used the excuse that he doesn’t even remember what happened he was so drunk.
Survivors, I plead with you to please cry rape. I plead for you to not care if reporting what he did ruins his life. I beg you to not feel alone and stupid and dirty. What happened to you does not make you dirty, it makes him dirty. I always hear rape displayed in the media, depicting the perpetrator as an inhuman monster. But what if the person who assaulted you is someone you see on a regular basis, what if you see that person at sporting events and then a year later, he dates a girl on your dance team? He’s not the monster under your bed, he is a human who needs to pay for his actions. It is not just you who needs to cry about this 4 years later and still feel the helpless inability to say no. He is a rapist, he assaulted you and you don’t deserve to feel this way, you don’t deserve to feel this way at all.