I was little – 5 or 6. I didn’t know it was wrong. But he did. He told me it would be our secret- and I thought it was a game. We played “doctor” and I let him touch me all over. He showed me pornography. Watching it made in between my legs feel good- I loved it. Now I think about what happened and all I can do is cry. I still see him, he never got in trouble since I’ve never had the courage to speak up about what he did to me. Sometimes I wonder if what he did was wrong. I liked it, I let him do whatever he wanted to me. But then I remember the time when I was so thirsty and he wouldn’t let me get a glass of water unless I sucked on him. I was crying while doing it. All I feel is shame and I wish that the memories would go away. They haven’t yet- 10 years have passed and I still can’t forget it.
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Sexual abuse can be very confusing for young children, especially because it is often not “violent” and because sometimes it feels good. This doesn’t mean it wasn’t wrong. You were a young child and you could not have known that this behavior was inappropriate, harmful, and criminal. Please know that just because you haven’t spoken up, it doesn’t mean you aren’t courageous. If you are ready to speak up there are resources to help you to do that. You have nothing to feel shame about, as you did absolutely nothing wrong. It is important, when you are ready, to seek help. It is possible to move beyond victimization! In the meantime, I will keep you in my thoughts. You are very brave for writing your story down.