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It happens when I just turned 14. It was summer day, I was playing on the playground with my best friend. We met two men – they were much older than us, but who cared – if anyone wanted to play, there wasn’t any problem – the playground was public and the game was for everyone. And it’s how it started. We exchanged our phone numbers and went different sides.

Once we agreed to meet once again by SMS. There had to be me, my best friend, him and his brother. We had to meet at 17 and hang out together. He was 21 and came from a distant city, he said he was there on holiday and stayed at his aunt’s. I just went out when my friend claimed not to go with me because the guy she liked might have come on playground… But we had already arranged the meeting so I said I would go there alone. And so I did. He said his brother also refused to come so there were only 2 of us. He bought a lot of beer and suggested going to his flat. So we did… I was so naive… I just didn’t belive someone could hurt me. I believed in people.

We arrived there, opened the beer and talked. 14 years old talking with 21 years old men while drinking beer. I didn’t see anything weird in that, it was just how people do. He drank only 2 beers claiming he had drunk some before I visit him. I was talking and talking, drinking following beers. We went out for a cigarette for the moment. And then he said. “You are young yet. You should know who to avoid.” For a moment, I wanted to say, “People like you, you mean?” but I didn’t.

Then we came back in. We were sitting for a moment and then that happened. I don’t remember it exactly, just as if my brain deleted these memories. He started kissing me and suddenly I realised he had removed my pants and put it inside. I was crying and begging him to stop it, that I didn’t want it and that I didn’t want get pregnant. I was crying so much and begging “x please stop it please” and then he just said “trust me” as sharply as he meant “shut up stupid naive kid”.

I’ve been living with it for years. Only few friends know about it. And no one knows about it in such detail.. I don’t keep in touch with that “bf” anymore. I still blame myself for what happened. I was so irresponsible, naive, it just couldn’t end up other way… I shouldn’t have gone there at all. Especially that he had told me via SMS that he was addicted to sex.. I didn’t take it seriously. He was really bad person with a criminal record. There would be a lot to talk about him even though I knew him only for few hours but it’s not the matter right now.. I’ve realised it was rape two years after that… But still i feel it was my fault. I feel terribly.


  • Alissa Ackerman
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