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When I was 7 I moved to a new state. I lived with my grandparents but stayed with my aunty, uncle and younger cousins. My aunty and uncle use to have a lot of parties, I don’t really remember them, just that they had a lot, and then they stopped. I remember one though. It was a big one, it was before they had renovated their house. They had a large property for a suburban area, with a big wooden gate to the side, -it had a dark red coat of paint peeling off at the front of the two story building and a large verander off the back and a lot of grass. Inside and upstairs they had 3 bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen and a living space, down a flight of spiral stairs was a rumpus room that took up half the house, and a second large room which my uncle claimed as his cave, with a small room with a toilet in it.
This night was so busy they had lines for people waiting for the toilet as if we were at a club. When it started to get late and people started heading home the kids were sent to bed. My sister was going to be sleeping on the couch. She was 10, soon to be 11. My cousin -who was 4 at the time- and I were best friends, and always together. She had a bunk bed in her room, the bottom bunk was a double bed that her grandmother and other family members would sleep in when they visited, she always slept up top on the single bed though, and this time was no different. We both slept on the top bunk, head to toe. We had a few of the adults come in and say goodnight or goodbye to us. We weren’t tired, so we laid in bed giggling. I remember one man, I no longer recall what he looked like, just that he was a lot older. He came in and said goodnight, first to me and then to my cousin. Once he left, we whispered to each other. I told her he kissed me, she said “me to”. I told her he touched me, she said “me too”. I told her where he touched me, “In my privates” I said, she said “me too”. We were children, we did not know it was wrong, only that it wasn’t right. We went to sleep.
Some time during the night we were woken by a blonde lady in a uniform, and both of our mothers. The blonde lady apologized for waking us, but told us she was just doing ‘a routine house call’ and was visiting every house in the area that night, to ask the kids some questions. We got told me had to go to the police station, we weren’t in trouble, but had to speak to someone. I remember driving there in my aunties white 4×4, it was a seven seater, and we always sat in the very back, this time was no different. We whispered to each other that we didn’t want the man to get in trouble, so we won’t tell the police about him saying goodnight.

When we arrived we waited for a man in a suit to come get us, he wanted to talk to us alone. I went in before my cousin, the man had dark hair and a suit, he told me to pick a chair, I chose the big black arm chair, and sat all the way back. He joked that I was sitting in his chair, but it was okay. I don’t remember what we spoke up, only that I decided that I would tell him about the man. I didn’t want to get in trouble either, and lying was wrong. We we were leaving, I whispered to my cousin I told the truth, she said she did too.
That was the last I ever heard of him, or spoke to the police.
I often wondered how come I hadn’t had anymore routine visits from the police. I didn’t know what had happened to me. I forgot about it.

When I was 11, I started to remember. I started having dreams and flash back. I could remember exactly what he looked like, what he smelt like, what he sounded like. I remembered it all, very vividly. I still did not understand what had actually happened, only that it made me feel bad, and I knew it was wrong. I confided in my best friend about my dreams, she told me I should tell my parents. I was scared it would upset them, so i refused and made her promise not to tell anyone. She agreed, we never spoke of it again.

When I was 12, and my body had started growing and my friends all started getting boyfriends, I had a crush on one of my male friends. I was friends with everyone. But mostly hung out with 3-4 other girls, and 3 boys. My closest friend also had a crush on the same boy as me. When she confided in me, I told her she should ask him out. She had no idea I liked him, and I wasn’t about to tell her. I had already started making a habit of listening to everyone else’s troubles but concealing my own. I had always been the happy one and was determined to stay that way. Despite going through a stage of ‘punk rock’. One lunch I was with my usual group of friends, when one of the boys touched my boob. He thought it was hilarious, I didn’t. I went to the office with 2 of the girls, and told the principal, she did nothing.
It was that day I decided I was going to change. I began to act in a way that I thought would protect me. I became ‘tough’ and adopted an attitude. People were almost afraid to find out if I was all talk or not. I never had to get into a single fight in school, despite many people testing me, I never faulted in my attitude, I was prepared to follow through with my words, if a fight was going to happen, I was going to back down, even though I was sure I’d get beaten up. I still to this day have that attitude, even though I know it doesn’t protect me.
When I was 13, I started going to parties and getting drunk with my closest friend from primary school. We always went to the same house for the parties. We did this almost every weekend, and in the school holidays, almost every night. Eventually I started making out with the guy who was hosting the parties, he was a year older then us, all the males at the parties were, and they were all his friends, and the girls were my friends, and my age. Occasionally new people would come and go, but always the same people I knew. Some nights other friends of his (far nicer and far more attractive) would hit on me, but I felt intimidated and almost like I’d be betraying this guy, it was his house, I shouldn’t kiss other guys, it’d be rude. So I didn’t. One night we were told that the police were going to be called, so instead we went to the local park and drank. I was stressing about my friends who were a bit of a wreck that night. Once I got them under control I was stressed, I drank, a lot. I drank 3/4 of a large bottle of straight vodka. I don’t remember much from that night after I started drinking. The boys started smoking weed from tin cans, I impressed people with my ability to drink so much without being sick, the guy I’d been making out with, the host, was drunk, he asked me out, I said yes. I don’t recall leaving the park, just a small memory of being in his sisters room. She was away for the night. One moment I was in the park, the next I was in a bedroom while he locked the door behind us, than I was on the bed and I couldn’t really move. I was drunk, I was tired. I recall him standing at the door holding it shut while my 2 closest friends tried to barge it open, yelling to let me out. The last thing I remember is him lying heavy on top of me, while I looked at the wall above my head thinking how tired I was and wondering how to say the word no. I woke up, I was alone, I wasn’t wearing pants, where had they gone? I rolled off the bed and found my underwear and a dress from my back pack that was in the room, i wore it as a skirt, and stumbled from the room to the living room to find my friends. All the boys started hooting, I didn’t know why. I asked what on earth had happened to my pants. My friends told me that ‘he’ had been wearing them, after he finished with me, he put my pants on, went into the living room, swung the used condom around and did a dance and told everyone how we’d had sex. When my friends asked where I was, he told them I was asleep. He slept in his fathers bed that night. The condom still in the living room waste basket. I asked my friends for a pad, I was bleeding. I’d never had sex before, that was my first. I wasn’t ready. But thought nothing of it. I didn’t like the feeling, but what did I expect? I’d been kissing him a lot in past visits. Later I found out that he use to ‘finger’ me when I was to drunk to realize what was going on. I never knew about it. I never went back to that house, I haven’t seen him since.
When I was 9 my school skirt fell off at lunch break, I was wearing briefs, but they looked like undies and I was embarrassed, I stopped wearing skirts to school after that, and gradually stopped wearing them all together.

During high school I hated skirts. Some time in grade 9, not long after I lost my virginity, I started wearing skirts. They got shorter and shorter and the years went. I never dated in high school. Sure I had crushes on guys, but I’d refuse to admit to them. I wanted them to like me, but I wanted to be one of the guys.
I wore makeup, and short skirts, and did my hair, i flirted, I also loved motorbikes, and dirt, and workshop classes and football, and wrestling. I wanted to be liked, but I wanted to be one of the boys.
I never did anything with the guys, but I didn’t object. Guys would touch my boobs at school either by ‘accident’ or ‘mucking around’ and I wouldn’t care. I mean, they were just boobs, it was harmless.
In grade 10 I took a wood workshop, I was the only girl, and despite knowing everyone in class, I worked alone. I was fine with that. I started crushing on a guy(*A*) in that class, he was a new kid that year who I didn’t really know. We started chatting online, and eventually in person. He admitted he liked me and knew i liked him. We got closer and closer and started working together in shop class. One weekend I was having a rough night, and we were messaging. He’d been drinking but told me if I wanted to talk he’d take his family’s ute and come see me. I told him he was silly and not to drive, but was flattered. we kept talking and he said he was going to come, but only if he got something in return. I said no, he pressed the issue and said he wanted to come but it wasn’t going to be for nothing, he wanted sex. I said no, he pressed and pressed. I went to sleep. The next Monday at school we were back to normal and pretended it hadn’t happened, a week later he had a girlfriend. I was hurt, I thought he liked me? We stopped talking as much but still worked together on and off in work shop. They dated for a long time.
Halfway through grade 10 I started getting panic attacks. I had no idea what they were, I’d never had anxiety before. I didn’t know for months what was happening. I recall the first one, I was walking from morning assembly to my graphics class and got this overwhelming feeling, i couldn’t breathe. After some time I was given a pass from the deputy principal. When i wasn’t well i could leave a class, if it didn’t get better, I could leave school. no questions asked. We still didn’t know what it was.
Around the same time they started, I stopped being friends with alot of people, I found they brought alot of drama, and used me to protect them when they would start fights they couldn’t finish. The final straw came when one of my best male friends(*T*) was sitting with a group of girls who had started hanging out with my usual group of friends. He yelled out ‘SLUT’ and they all laughed. Later that day he tried talking to me, told me he was joking. I told him I didn’t care if he was joking, I wouldn’t be friends with someone like that.
At the end of the year my family came to visit from interstate, we went to SeaWorld for the day and I got very sunburnt. We went to dinner at Hogs Breathe that night and part way through dinner, I had an attack. It lasted hours. I sat outside alone, crying, unable to breathe, people staring at me. My family finished dinner, took everyone home, then took me to the hospital. It had been 3 hours and wasn’t going away. I was hooked up to machines, had blood test and urine test. I’d never had a blood test before, I had bruises from my knuckles up to my elbows. I was told it was either a random spasm of my diaphragm or anxiety. Later confirmed to be anxiety.
The attacks slowed after that. They went from weekly almost daily, to every few months. I knew what they were now. They only happened when I got worked up, a fight with my parents or sister, and suddenly I needed to be reminded that I was able to breathe and I just had to calm down.
The next major one I had was at a family bbq, I’d eaten, drunk plenty of water. It lasted over 5 hours before I got taken to the hospital with chest pains. I was rushed through, they thought i may be having a heart attack. I wasn’t. It was a severe anxiety attack. My attacks stopped after that.
Around April 2010 I started working with a really good friend. She had moved schools a few months back, so I hadn’t seen a lot of her.
A few months later a close male friend of mine who was significantly older then me asked if i wanted to catch up and go see a movie. I thought of it innocently, he was like a brother to me, and far to old. I was wrong, we went to the movies, and he started hitting on me, and kissing me. I was so uncomfortable, but didn’t know how to respond. He started touching me, and grabbing my hands and making me touch him, I let him. He wanted to leave and go back to his, I said no and came up with an excuse of why I should go home. I stopped talking to him after that.
I confided in my friend who I worked with. I thought I could trust her. We’d been friends for years. I was wrong. In November our managers 21st birthday fell on McHappy Day. We’d planned to share a tent at the party together weeks in advance. The Friday night before I found out she had promised room in the tent for many other friends from work. I messaged her asking if we were still sharing, she replied with no, theres no room. I was left with nowhere to stay, it was to late to organise anything else, id have to stay awake until i could get a lift home.
I had volunteered to go into work early on McHappy Day to help her run a kids party that had accidentally been booked. I’d never worked a party before so I was just suppose to be running errands for her. She left me alone with a group of children, to run a party I didn’t know how to. While she sat and chatted on her phone and to friends at work. Later that shift after I’d been rescued by some other workers, I’d found out she told everyone at work about my friend at the movies, and had been calling me names behind my back. I lost a friend that day, and started questioning everything between us.
In grade 11 a friend(*T*) did a favor for me. In return he wanted sex. I said no. After a lot of talking and flirting I ended at his house one day after school. We fooled around. He was the first guy I’d kissed since I lost my virginity 3 years prior. I didn’t think anything of it. It wasn’t sex, I wasn’t ready for that. It was just kissing and touching. We kept flirting but I never went back to his house. He got a girlfriend and we stopped speaking.
In grade 12 I had multiple free periods in school. I’d started talking to (*A*) again. He started trying to convince me to cut classes and hang out with him I’d say no every time. One day he tried convincing me to meet him after assembly in the bushland around school. He wanted to have sex with me. He spent over a week trying to convince me, I considered it but decided no. I wasn’t ready, and I was scared someone would find out or see us.
When I was 17 and had already graduated from high school all my friends were turning 18 before me. One night I’d been at a party and got drunk. I’d started messaging (*A*) yet again. We were flirting, and at some stage had organized for him to come to my house to fool around. I told him we couldn’t in my house. My family would kill me. We’d have to go somewhere. He had a license by now. He was sober, he knew I was drunk. He told me not to pass out he’d be over shortly. I woke up the next morning with about 10 sms from him. Telling me he was here. Where exactly he’d park. Was I awake? Wake up!. Okay I’m going home. I apologized, and didn’t speak to him much after that.
When I was 18, I started drinking a lot. I’d kiss guys and not think twice about it. I didn’t know them nd I wasn’t gonna do anything more. About a month after my 18th I ran into (*A*). He was out but sober with his friends, he drove everyone home, then came back for me. This time we had sex.
For the next few months we’d have sex every other weekend. I was always drunk. Sometimes I’d message him. Sometimes he’d message me. Sometimes we just happened to be in the same place.
A few months later, when I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in a while I got a message from (*T*)the same guy I’d fooled around with in grade 11. We started talking, flirting. We started having sex. Sober or drunk we would have sex. He’d pick me up every other day or when I was out drinking. I got a message one night from (*A*) wanting to sleep with me I said No. I didn’t feel comfortable with sleeping with multiple people at the same time. 2 days later he had a girlfriend.
I slept with (*T*) for a few months. We were really close friends as well. One night I had a falling out with my friends down the goldcoast, he had to pick me up. I had nothing. I couldn’t get into my house. I stayed with him, that was the last time. A few days later he also had a girlfriend.
A month later I started sleeping with one of (*T*) friends. We started being friends first. We remained friends for a really long time. The sexual relation lasted approx 2 months. When he to started dating someone. Except I knew he liked someone and was going to ask her out. When I found out he liked someone, i stopped sleeping with him.
From the time I turned 18 until I was 19 I slept with a total of 5 people.
1 month and 10 days after my 19th birthday I got my first boyfriend. It is a year and 3 months of my life i’ll never get back. But was 2 years of hell. He was controlling, manipulative and abusive. I would wake up to him touching me or in me. He drove me away from all of my friends and my family. I became isolated. I lost who I was. When I finally left him he went from trying to control me to trying to destroy me. He had bugged my phones, computers. He knew where I was, what I was saying, and who I was talking to. I felt unsafe, I didn’t trust myself. When we broke up he told everyone I cheated on him and he left me. He broke into houses, he stalked me. He threatened by friends and my family. He wanted to destroy me. He did. I got a restraining order against him.
A few months later I found out he robbed his former workplace at gun point around the corner from my house.
Another few months and he was wanted for rape, robbery and impersonating a police officer.
He has a child now.
I couldn’t function for a long time. I was terrified he’d come for me. I questioned everything and everyone in my life.
It took a long time to make myself okay again. But I did.

In september 2015 I started sleeping with a friend(*J*). I met him at a new years party, and became good friends with his friends. Over the next few months we’d sleep together. Progressing from camping trips, to parties where we were both drunk, so when we were both sober and saw each other. I liked him. Although we didn’t talk.
He told me he liked me as well, but wasn’t ready for a relationship, he cared about me, and was scared he might hurt me. Over the next year, my feelings got stronger and stronger and he kept telling me and making me believe he liked me. Until October 20th. When I found out he had been dating someone for the past 2 months, and had made it official the week prior. He and I had slept together a total of 5 times within those 2 months.
He never told me about her, and the night of the 21st he sat in my lounge room and quietly told everyone else about her except for me, unaware I knew about her yet. I waited all night for him to mention her to me, he didn’t.
He told my friend he wasn’t going to. That he jumped the gun asking her out because he was hurt.
The Saturday night prior I was very drunk and was dared to kiss some people, I did. one of those people is a mutual friend, a photo was taken and drunkenly sent to him.
Although if what I was told originally is true. He had already asked her out. Even if he hadn’t, he had still been dating her for 2 months.
He never allowed me the same chance to speak to him or get to know him that he gave her.
He destroyed me all over again. Made me question everything all over again.

It wasn’t until after I broke up with my ex that the thoughts of what my ex did, and what happened to me when I was 7 and 13 started to come back to me. I was 21 when I realized I had been raped and accepted that I’d also been molested.
I am 22 years old. I have had sex with 8 people and been sexually touched by 10 people. Out of the 8 people 1 of which was not did not have my consent, another had rapped me on multiple occasions despite our relationship. Out of the 10 3 of which did not have my consent nor were wanted, another of which did so on multiple occasions despite our relationship.
All of which used me. None of which cared about me.
I am 22, I have been rapped at least 5 times by 2 seperate people, and molested at least 10 times by 3 seperate people.

1 comment

  • Alexis


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