I was 14 when it started happening. The sexual harassment. I didn’t know what was going on at first, I was so naive and young. Freshman year it was so bad. I didn’t know why all of a sudden everything changed. Boys in my classes making gestures, sending unwanted pictures and texts, groping me. Even people I didn’t know. Sophomore year was the worst for me. I wanted to lose my virginity so bad just to fit in so I agreed to have sex with this boy. When we met up I told him I didn’t want to. He kept trying to get me to but I kept saying so he pulled me in. When you don’t know what to do in a situation sometimes you let it happen. Like there’s nothing you can do to prevent it. I tried to convince myself to like it. Like it felt good, but it didn’t. It hurt. And now I can’t help but think about it constantly and tell myself it was my fault. And sometimes I just feel numb/empty. I am learning to know it isn’t my fault.
— Survivor, age 17
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. It was NOT YOUR FAULT and you did NOT “let it happen”. Freezing is a very common response to trauma. We often hear about “fight or flight” but freezing is when your body doesn’t fight and just makes sure you survive. And that’s what you did. The feelings of numbness and emptiness you described are common and might be symptoms of PTSD. I would encourage you to seek out a therapist or a counselor who can help you work through all of that. There are also some online or phone resource on the Get Help section of this page. You can heal from what he did to you and learn to really believe that it wasn’t your fault (because it’s true); it takes a lot of work and it’s certainly not a linear process but I know you can do it and I know you deserve that. Sending you love, Alexis