I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of research lately. About rape and sexual promiscuity. Basically what it suggests is that out of the women (men get assaulted too, just not in this research) that reported rape, almost 50% of them declined in sexual activity, which is what one would expect.
Another almost 40% reported an increase in sexual activity, which raises the question, your question, why?
Why would someone open up what had been so sacredly taken from them?
I used to wonder why? I wasn’t walking down a street in thigh high boots, I wasn’t at some rager (is that how you even spell it) at a frat house. I was at a ‘apartment warming party’ with a co-worker and her boyfriend who were having issues. I was wearing jeans shorts and a cute shirt, still my go to comfy clothes. There was two other guys and one other girl. Two of them hooked up and that left me and him. It was an empty apartment with empty rooms. We were kissing and after having been with one man and kissed only three others (at 19? 20?) I was electrified…and more than a little drunk.
I knew it. I knew I was drunk and when he led me from the hallway to an empty bedroom I knew I should have resisted. I was afraid to make noise. Afraid I’d be laughed at by the five other more mature grown ups there. Afraid if what I was doing. I should have stopped it there.
I didn’t. I let him pull me along, almost knowing what was going to happen. About thirty seconds of getting in the bedroom I knew I had gotten myself too deep. Even as I asked him to stop, begged him to stop, pleaded him stop, he didn’t.
He took me, he entered me against my will, and I struggled and I resisted and I pushed against him and I didn’t want any of it anymore and he still pushed against me, raping me.
I could have screamed. I should have screamed. I stayed silent, still berating myself for being there, I stayed silent, the fear of being ostracized from my supposed friend more important than the violation that was taking place against my body. I stayed silent, and in the two, five, ten minutes I made a huge mistake.
I should have screamed. I should have pounded against the wall, against the music, against him, louder. Stronger, harder, more.
I didn’t. And I am forever sorry.
I was raped.
I was taken against my will. After I said no. After I struggled and he held my neck down. After I hit him and he backhanded me. He raped me. And I let him. I made myself go limp and he still pushed against me and ejaculated.
He pulled himself out, slapped my face, cleaned himself, dressed, and left.
I huddled in the corner where it happened and cried. The corner had a medium brown carpet with tan walls and a shade in between for the trim. I don’t remember his face or what he was wearing, but I remember that corner. It smelled of cleaning solution and sex. I hated it.
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Survivor – you did not LET this crime happen to you! You did not deserve it and it was NOT your fault! This criminal is a predator , he knew exactly what he was doing, he has done it before and will do it again. A great mom Jolyn on this site made the point that young ladies like you should not be made to feel bad for wanting to have fun and be young when you are young. But we are learning here that there is a type of man ( yes women too, but usually men) that is a predator and LOOKS for situations where they can harm a young lady for their own evil reasons – they are good at it, they know what they are doing.YOU Survivor were very brave ! You could NOT have been more clear ! STOP STOP STOP Ask, beg, plead – which part of that is unclear? NONE of STOP is unclear. There is nothing you could have done. If your friends were not paying attention, screaming may have made the criminal MORE violent. I need to keep my temper right now. You did not deserve one ounce of that. And you are very strong and brave to write here to help other people. Going back to your comments at the beginning about statistics about how rape affect women – I have had more than one friend who has had it happen to them say that yes it causes – I am not sure “promiscuity” is the right word. I have heard and read that rape / sexual assault is sooo bad and traumatic that it really affects the person very intently pretty much forever. Predators can sense this unfortunately and in some cases – they know a woman is vulnerable by her expression, the way she carries herself etc. This can result in the same survivor being a target more than once. We need writers who can address this and give advice. You also wrote about the opposite reaction – there are many Survivors who go in the other direction – they close off or restrict that part of themselves, the sexual part. I am always happy to see survivors on this site find a loving partner. PLEASE keep doing your research to help us learn, tell us what you find out. Also be sure and talk to someone about what happened, a counselor or therapist. And never be sorry because of yourself, you are a strong good, intelligent person – no one can take that away! Stay strong !
Thank you so much for posting your story here. What happened to you was NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! It doesn’t matter that you were drinking or that you went into that bedroom without screaming hysterically (I won’t say you went there willingly; it sounds like there was a lot pressure there). You told him to stop and that should have been the end. What he did to you was wrong. It might be that screaming louder or pushing harder would have helped but you did the best you could at the time to get out of the situation. It could also be that it would have made him angrier. You got out and you lived and that’s what matters. I know that’s really hard to internalize but I really believe it. You didn’t let him rape you.
I do want to address what you wrote in the early part of your post about sexual promiscuity after rape. I’m not an expert but I do want to address it. That’s not an uncommon coping mechanism for a bunch of reasons. I’d never judge but I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about what happened to you. If you’re having feelings about that, a therapist can help you work through them and decide the healthiest way of processing them. And helping you heal. I believe you can and I believe you deserve to. I know you can do it. It will take time and work but you deserve it. Sending you lots of love, Alexis