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Rape and Anxiety

I was raped when I was 19 years old. I was very inexperienced sexually. I had started “fooling around” with a guy I met through a friend. It was Christmas day and he came over to my house (where I lived with my parents). I had told him I did not want to have sex, as I told him I had difficulty separating the emotions from it. (He wanted to just be “friends with benefits”). We were fooling around in my room, and I told him again I did not want to have sex. He did it anyway. I did not make any sound because I did not want my parents to hear (they were home) and know that I was having sex. I thought they would be angry about him being there in the first place.
Afterwards, he “cuddled” me. I felt so confused. I still feel very confused. Sometimes I think it was my fault, because I led him on and did not fight back at any point. However, in recent years (I am now 30 years old), I have come to realize that any time you tell a man that you are not consenting to sex and they do it regardless, it is rape.

I have always suffered from anxiety, even before this incident. However, it has gotten worse and I have panic attacks often. I take medication to control them but it is something I will live with forever.

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