Rape and the Aftermath

My story happened 20 years ago, but I do not talk about it and only my friends that new me back then know my story.

I met my first husband when I was 18 years old. Shortly after that I got pregnant and we married. The abuse started while I was pregnant, it was more mental abuse then anything else. He would tell me that if I did not have a girl he would leave me. I remember while I was in labour him whispering into my ear that if I didn’t have a girl he was going to leave me.

Well I did have a girl and things just got worse from there.

He would always tell me that I had nothing and nobody and if I tired to leave him he would make sure that I never day my daughter again, he would force himself on me whenever he like. I remember one time when he was forcing himself on me I started to cry, he put a pillow over my head so he couldn’t see me cry. I would make me take pictures of me naked and would say that if I ever left he would show them to everyone.

He did not like it when I went out and when I would it would end up with me getting hit or choked.

I did end up leaving him when our daughter was 1 1/2, things only got worse from there.

He did managed to take my daughter from me which was one of the hardest thing to go through.

The night I got my daughter back he held a knife to me and them he put the knife to himself saying that he could not live without me, and if he could not have me he was going to kill himself and he wanted me to watch. I did manage to get the knife away from him and got my daughter back.

The next day I called my lawyer and told them what happened, after that he was not allowed to see his daughter alone.
He would call me everyday asking to meet me, to give me my belongings because the night I left I only took a bag full of stuff for my daughter and myself.

I finally gave in and agreed to meet him at a restaurant cause I thought that it would be safe.

It was winter and storming out, after we talked he talked me in to driving him back to his place.

Once I pulled over he looked at me and said I should have never let him in the car, he had a hunting knife taped to his leg he forced me up to the apartment.

Once in the apartment and he locked the door I tired running out, he grabbed me held me against the wall where he started to punch and choke me, once I fell to the floor he dragged me to the bedroom where he took out a shotgun and then raped me.
Once he was done he said to me that I was lucky that I did not bring our daughter cause he would have just shot us then killed himself so we could always be together.

Then he said that one of us was going to die tonight, he pointed the gun right at my head. I spent the next few hours trying to convince him just to let me leave. He would also put the gum in hands cause he wanted me to kill him…I couldn’t do it.
Then he sat at the edge of the bed…and these are his last words I remember it word for word “I am going to make this easy on you, I am going to put the gun in my mouth all you have to do is pull the trigger. I am going to close my eyes and if I open them and I am alive you are a dead fuckin bitch”

I was kneeling on the floor next to him and pulled the trigger and ran out of the room. I called the police and was arrested.
6 months later all charges were dropped as it was rules as self-defense.

I re-play that night everyday in my head.

No one in my life knows my story only a few friends, I feel to ashamed to talk about it.
I suffer from depression and have many times just wished he would have just shot me.
This is the first time I have ever told my story.