I was married. I had a child. My husband was going through some midlife crisis of sorts. He drank more and more frequently in greater quantities. When he drank he wanted sex. I knew he didn’t want me because my weight repulsed him. And yet when he drank he wanted sex. It became more aggressive. I accepted it because I thought if I did he would eventually snap out of it and realize he loved me and we would be ok.
One night he drank himself stupid. He wanted sex. He didn’t want to look at my face so he told me to get on all fours – doggy style. I agreed. He was rough and aggressive and demanding. I was passive and hoping eventually he would stop being like this.
He slipped out of my vagina and his penis slid up to my bum. I pulled away and told him he was up too far. He pulled me back and pushed against me. I howled in pain and pulled away. He pulled me back and forced himself in. I whimpered over and over again to stop, please stop, it hurt. He came relatively quickly although it felt like an eternity. He slapped my ass and left the room. I curled up in a ball and tried to relax the muscles in my bum so the pain would stop. I puked in my mouth.
He came back and mumbled “Did I just cross some line?” and passed out in a drunken stupor. I slowly made my way to the bathroom where I realized I was bleeding from my bum. It hurt.
Every day for a week when I had a bowel movement there was blood and the tears reopened and I bled. I was too ashamed to go to the Doctor. I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I kept silent. I finally told my counselor who I was seeing about my bulimia. She called it rape. I wanted to argue. I didn’t want to be that woman. She told me if I felt safer not reporting it, it didn’t make me a coward because the rape conviction rate for rape inside marriage was pretty much non-existent. I kept silent.
I won’t anymore. I’m divorced now. Knowing who my abuser was makes it worse. I still have to see my ex when he has custody of my daughter.
But I am healing, slowly. And I want to be heard because marital rape is all to often overlooked. It’s just as devastating.