Last summer, I went on a date with my male friend. He openly liked me but, few days earlier, I had told him that being alone with him in a private room made me uncomfortable, and that I did not want a sexual relationship with him.
At dinner, we drank seven or eight glasses of wine. I’ve done that before but that involved throwing up three times along the way. This time, when I stood up from my seat, I felt extremely dizzy.
But I managed to walk out of the restaurant.
As soon as we exited the restaurant, I lost my balance and leaned onto him. I could not stand with my own legs so he was hugging – carrying me. He seemed to have liked that because he started kissing me.
I said: stop. The only time he can make an action is when I’m drunk. Pathetic. But I couldn’t lift myself apart from him. I couldn’t stand and he had all my weight.
He put me in a taxi.
We got off the taxi and he took me to my room. I stumbled into my room, took off my cardigan, and collapsed onto my bed.
For some reason he followed me into the room and hauled himself on top of me and started kissing me.
I again said, Stop.
But my mind was numb, as it was 80% filled with clay and I was getting sporadic thoughts from the remaining 20% of consciousness. My arms felt dull and like it wasn’t connected to me. My body and my legs felt like logs.
He flipped over the log that was my body and unzipped my dress.
Sporadic thought: why is he taking off my clothes. That makes me naked. I’m naked. No no no
No no no
Is he really
didn’t even wear a
I was raped three times without condoms.
It felt like it lasted for hours, though my head couldn’t process exactly how long. My mind was foggy, but the detachment and the fear of losing control of my body still haunts me every day and night.
The first time he came inside of me was the worst. He looked so ugly. Face contorted with selfishness. I felt like a rag doll, just being shaken and moved in however direction by this ugly being desired. It was disgusting and I wanted it to stop but it didn’t. My arms didn’t move no matter how much I tried. My spine felt like rubber. My legs stayed open and I didn’t have a modicum of power to close them.
All this time he was shouting, I love you so much. And every time a thought rang in my head,
If you love me why are you treating me this way.
After the first time, I let go of my mind. My body couldn’t move anyway, and my mind stopped processing the awful situation that was taking place.
After he was done and finally got off of me, I was overcome with anger and sadness.
How dare him treat my body like this
How dare him rape me, without protection just because he feels better that way
How dare he take advantage of me, when he knows I am intoxicated and can’t fight back
How dare he force sex, when I clearly told him I don’t want sex with him
How dare he use my body to his selfish desire
I had told him before that I don’t want to have sex with him. I told him I don’t want to be his girlfriend. Did he think raping me would make me change my mind?
He apologized. Apparently his mind and his body was calmer now. But too late.
I felt like my entire body, from head to toe and even the insides, was soaked in a very foreign and disgusting substance from a detestable source. I hated my own body. I felt humiliated, used, disgraced, and irreversibly hurt.
— Survivor, age 22