Raped

It happened almost 1.5 year ago when I was 16 years old. I was invited for a party of someone I didn’t know very well. I was doubting if I should go to the party. My best friend was going, so I thought it would be fun. I bought myself a new outfit and after I finished work I biked to the destination of the party in a village next to mine. Everyone was having a good time. The party was well organized, so you would have said: nothings’s going to destroy this evening….

When the most people were leaving the party I also thought it was time to go. I had been talking for half an hour with a boy I barely knew. He seemed to be a kind person. Earlier this evening I made an appointment with a group to bike home with each other. It was very cold outside. My new outfit only existed out of pants and a thin shirt.

The ‘bike’group would wait outside for me. The boy to who I’ve been talking at the party offered me his cardigan. I took it from him and he would drop me home. He said: ‘But first we have to go to my house, where I can get a jacket myself’. I agreed and we biked to his home. The group already left, because I couldn’t find them anymore. I felt safe with the boy. When we arrived at his place, he pushed me to go inside. I said I would wait, but he did not agree with that. He pushed me inside. I fell down on the ground. I started to think: what the hell is going on here? What is happening to me. From that moment on my soul wasn’t there. Only my body. He started to yell at me and I had to follow him upstairs. I refused and started to scream and I started crying. I was so helpless and I felt lonely. He grabbed my arms and pulled me upstairs to a room. I cried. A lot. I didn’t know what to do. I thought: ‘Do I have to listen? Or should I r un away? Or do I have to hurt him?’ At that moment I needed someone. Someone to help me. Why wasn’t there anybody to help me out? It were the most horrible minutes of my life. He started to take off my clothes and then raped me. I did everything about it to stop it. But nothing helped me out. I remember that he used a condom. I don’t know why. When he was finished he sat on the bed with his hands on his face. I looked at him, immediately took on my clothes, and ran away from him. First I ran downstairs, looked for the exit, took my bike and biked home, as fast as possible. While I was on my way home I could only say to myself: I have been raped. Someone has raped me. It was just like a nightmare that would be cleared in a few ours if I would wake up. But no. It was real life. I came home. I opened the door. My mom didn’t sleep yet. She asked me: ‘How was the party?’ I answered: ‘fun, goodnight’.

I closed the door from her room en went ro my own room. I took of my clothes en immediately took a shower. I felt disgusting. When I finished an hour long shower, I looked to myself in the mirror for a long time. From 02:55 till 08:00 in the morning to be precise. I looked terrible. I felt so desperate, ugly, disgusting, used and I definitely felt raped. That feeling…it was and still is horrible.

— Survivor, age 17