When I was little (before 2) I was raped by a man in my biological family. Most of the people in my biological family when I was 2, where drug addicts, meth heads and , alcoholics. I don’t remember who it was or what all happened, and lots of people say that I was so young and shouldn’t remember what happened to me at that age, but my counselor said that when we are traumatized by something at that age we may remember it happening. I couldn’t tell you what all happened, but I know it was wrong. I was taken by dhs later and adopted out to a family.
To my second rape….
I volunteered at a food bank from age 8-18. There were men and woman and children of all ages and character that came through. This took place when I was about 15…. I was always the girl that helped the people who struggled to their cars. Most of the people wouldn’t think about touching me…. I had guys to back me up most of the time. I had a friend who would always make sure I was okay and no one bothered me. I had also had 7-8 years of self defense and karate class behind me. But there were a few men who would be rude and say something to make me feel uncomfortable…. And they would say stuff that made me extra careful…. I was already a pretty observant girl. Always notice what was going on around me.
There was this one day during the summer though, and my friend was gone, and I was working outside and helping people like I normally did. Some guy grabbed me and pulled me away from the area as I was heading back. He held my mouth and when I started to bite he kneed me in the leg really hard. I was whimpering and scared. All the years of my self-defense class fell to the floor. I was scared and unable to gather strength to fight back…he rushed to undo his pants…. And then fumbled with mine. He grabbed all over my body feeling me and almost drooling. I remember the panting he was making and how sick I felt. I just shook my head no and whimpered things like no and please stop…. No…. Don’t do this… And cried. The tears stained my face as he put his hands in my pants…. I just froze in fear and wished it would stop. He was rough and hurt me. He tore at my body and slammed himself against me as he whispered terrible things in my ear….. He forced himself into me. I just froze there begging him to stop and that it hurt…. Tears streaming down my face and whimpering the whole time….. I couldn’t scream an I couldn’t fight back…. I was locked in place…. I wondered why no one came looking for me and it felt like it had been forever….. And surely they were worried…. But no one came…. I remember after he raped me he hit me a few times and told me if I said anything he would do a lot more then jus let that…. An he took off… I stood there and pulled my back up, and looked down at my violated body with disgust. I saw that I was bleeding and it took me a moment to realize why it hurt so much and why I was bleeding… Luckily It hadn’t bled through my pants too much and could be passed off as my period. As I walked back it really set in how much pain I was in, my legs shook, and my eyes stung. when I got back I cleaned up and put a pad on, I looked at my body and saw where some bruises were starting to appear… I spent weeks and months sitting in the shower… I just couldn’t be clean enough. I’d cry every day, and hate myself for not having stopped it. I mean I was trained to be able to keep that from happening. I had let my guard down and payed dearly for it. I stopped eating, and went Irvin more into depression and my anxiety got worse. My nightmares got more intense and I just hated all that I was… I started cutting again, and just fell so far, I tried to kill myself on multiple occasions. I never told anyone…. I never reported it, I never did anything about it. I just was so embarrassed and I felt like it was my fault…. I felt like they wouldn’t believe me, because I had had so much training. Up until this past year I haven’t told anyone. I told my boyfriend and a very good friend of mine. And my boyfriend has been just so completely caring and super supportive. I have hidden this and blocked it out for years… It took a while but I made it to the point when I literally blocked out it even happening. I couldn’t tell you what he really looked like anymore, and I had pushed it to the back of my mind till now… And I listened to a class not long ago… About situational awareness. They said that we should report the rapist but that we all have our own way of dealing with things so we shouldn’t feel ashamed for dealing with it by putting it out of our minds.
— Alexis, age 18