Raped by a work colleague

This starts April 2017 i went for a team meal with work colleagues, a few of us stayed out for drinks. So this “man” decided he would stay out with me and a few girls from our team. As the night went on 1 by 1 girls started to leave so i decided to stay for a few more with this man. This man was on my team he is 20 years my senior, has a daughter a few years younger than me. So what i can remember was going to a few places, he just kept buying drinks, like i struggled to keep up,We was having a laugh. Then all i can remember is a few seconds of me in a taxi with him then it goes black…. I remember being guided into a room,i fall to the floor, it goes black….i wake up its dark i feel beard on my face kissing me,i pass out again. I wake up – no clue where i am , i am naked i turn over he is there wide awake smiling at me “morning” in the most happiest way. The panic sets it im like “what happened!!” I immediately started to be told “you have done nothing wrong”i get dress and run out, well i attempted to run.My ankle was swollen, i jump into the taxi call my mum , cry my soul out saying” i think something terrible happened” i get home ,my boyfriend is asleep,i couldn’t face him,i ran a hot bath i was tempted to put bleach in.i cried silently into a towel, not to wake my boyfriend, i looked at my body there was bite marks all over me. From trying to get out the bathroom with a completely swollen ankle, i slipped and ripped the muscles. My boyfriend was awake i told him “i felt asleep on 1 of the girls sofas”i threw any clothes on and limped my way to the clinic,i cried my heart out to them while getting checked out. i rang my boyfriend and tried to explain “i think i was sexually assaulted” his response was to ask “why i did this to him ? If you dont go the police i will just tell everyone you slept with him ” I wanted to die — i messaged this person to ask”what happened?” I was told “you was just too drunk i put you to bed ” i believed it,i didnt want to know i had been raped. As time went by this person started to message me asking ” you ok ? , why you ignoring me ?” I thought he wouldnt of done that ? At this moment my boyfriend hated me , i hated myself , this person was being nice to me . That is where the friendship grew, i was getting what i needed – affection. I drank heavy any chance i got, blot out what i didnt want to remember. Finally 3 months later i asked ” what happened that night ?” He provided to tell me all the details of what “we did” ” i wanted it” my gut was telling me this isnt right but my mind was like ” you must of wanted it, he wouldnt do that ” i was worthless i didnt care anymore – in my mind i deserved everything that was happening to me , my relationship was falling apart i was drinking more and more. Then septemeber we meet for a drink – yeah this is what i want he is a nice guy he likes me, same happens — drink after drink, i somehow end back in his flat we had sex, when it ended i needed to throw up ,it was like i woke the fuck up !!! I got dress and ran out —- everything become clear the contact ended, turns out he was seeing someone from our work – -this was simply to cover his tracks ‘ how could i of raped her if we had sex again?’ this complete psycho was willing to risk his relationship to cover tracks, i felt ill for weeks. When i looked back he would bring up all the time ‘ so you really cant remember that night ?’ I fell right into that honey trap. I hate myself everyday for that — i continued to put up with the hate from my boyfriend because “i deserve this” we have a house so i couldnt just walk away. Around November time i kept thinking about April the things that didnt add up, Decemeber the xmas work party he was there , we talked most of the night i hit the drink ‘ i wanted to be numb as always.we got into an argument infront of everyone, all i can remember is shouting” you wont make me out to be the crazy one” ( might i add while acting completely crazy) i ran out the party and completely broke down to girls on my team it all came flooding out — i had a mental break the whole weekend i wanted to end it all.i proceeded to be signed off work for over a month and put on meds and sent for counseling. This ‘man’ then attempted to force me to pay for his jacket, which i did not damage at the party — even after i told him i was ill he kept trying to get money out of me . 1 of the girls i poured my heart out too, told work which i never wanted to happen —they came out to my home address and i had to explain , late December i planned to end it all, seeing his face every day was too much, the thought of my boyfriend finding out — to this day he still doesnt know — fast forward 6 months im back in work i have completed CBT treatment and awaiting counseling to help deal with not only this but my past, he has been moved to another team, me and my boyfriend are in a better place. I take each day as it comes, only know i can say i was raped, for along time i honestly thought September cancelled out what happened in April,but it doesnt it still happened. I always thought that “wouldn’t happen to me” It did but i won’t let him break me, he damaged me for a while but im back stronger than ever xoxo