Remember November

November 1st of 2013, my two friends were having a Halloween birthday party. Halloween is/was my favorite holiday but now it only brings bad memories to the surface. I was 19 years old and at my friends’ party only holding a solo cup full of water. I did not drink any alcohol that night and never ever set an open drink down or out of my sight, even water. I don’t know why, but this night in particular I did. I heard someone throwing up so I set my cup down to tend to them, moments later I picked it up again and began sipping. I distinctly feeling very drowsy and then feeling like something was very wrong. Before I knew it, I woke up in a dark room and was unable to move, feeling the weight of another person on top of me. I scream and tried to fight back but my body felt paralyzed. It was so heavy. I heard a voice say “Don’t worry, it’s _____, you’re okay”. Suddenly I was confused and tried to speak but was knocked out again. I woke up again around 7:50 am panicking only to feel him pushing himself inside me and touching me everywhere. I was in shock, I didn’t want to believe it was happening so for 5 minutes or so I just laid there and pretended to be asleep still. Finally I got up and starting asking questions. I asked where my clothes were and why he took them off me. _____ said I drank way too much and vomited on myself so he took my clothes off. I wasn’t wearing anything but a shirt that was not mine; no bra, no underwear. I immediately demanded the costume I was wearing, I inspected it, and no vomit or anything. I distinctly remember not drinking any alcohol either. I was scared and still in shock that I grabbed my things and ran out. I was scared he might hurt me as well. When I got to my boyfriend’s house, nobody was home so I cried and rolled up in layers of clothes and blankets and went to sleep. ______, who was my best friend and colleague at the campus radio station still walks around campus and every time I see him I fall to pieces. I wish I would have reported him immediately but I was in denial and also worried nobody would believe me. I have a reputation on campus for being a “slut” although the things people say about me are not true and I’m not sexually promiscuous. Even if I was, no means no and someone who is unconscious definitely cannot consent. Days after the assault, I felt like I had taken a load of muscle relaxers and was sick to my stomach and my head was throbbing as if I had taken sedatives and alcohol.

From that point on I began abusing alcohol and burning bridges with everyone I knew. I lost everything and I felt hopeless which caused my already existing depression and ED to spiral out of control. I was betrayed by the person I trusted most. I even lost my boyfriend for a while because of it. I was always known to be the extrovert on campus in a school of introverted people, but I completely flipped. I stopped hanging out with friends and going to social events. I felt so ashamed as if it was my fault.

Months later, I ran into ________ at a friend’s party and he was very drunk. He tried to win me back over with his words (he was very charming) because I was the only person he really had that cared about him in his life. He grabbed my arm very hard and I lost it. I punched him square in the face and caused a pretty bad laceration that began bleeding heavily. At first I felt horrible that I let him compromise my morals, and then I felt relieved that I finally was able to protect myself from him. I thought that would be the end of it, but it wasn’t and I feel like it never will be. I still breakdown and have nightmares regularly.

Tonight I finally decided that enough is enough. I ran into a female friend who recently left my university for an unknown reason. She opened up to me about why she transferred colleges. She did not know of my rape prior to tonight. She spoke to me about ______ sexually assaulting her and also being raped by another well-known guy on campus. Nobody believed her. Even when she filed a police report, it wasn’t investigated. I attend a primarily male school and it’s a serious problem here. I decided I will finally notify police about my sexual assault. I’m terrified about what he will do to me or my boyfriend. I’m terrified what people will say about me even more so and whether or not the officers will take me seriously but the best thing I can do is get it down on paper. They most likely will not be able to do anything about it or maybe they can, but I could not live with myself if I remained quiet any longer and he were to do it to another woman. R eading this site has helped me build the courage to take action. Thank you to all you strong beautiful women.