Like another recent poster, I also feel shame about my repressed memories and like my story will never really be received by victims who remember their trauma. However, the film made me feel like we all have a voice and this seems like an encouraging place to speak up.
I’ve suspected that I was molested as a child for as long as I can remember. I don’t have any clear memories of being abused – just uneasy feelings about certain seemingly benign memories. My kindergarten babysitter and her basement…the neighbor boys that one time in the woods…my friend’s mom’s boyfriend by the train tracks…the family friend who visited my room alone before bed. Or could it have been…my parents? All of these micro memories haunt me, but the last possibility cripples me. If someone else was my aggressor, maybe my parents could offer helpful information (or at least support). But if my parents were my attackers, how could I ever expect them to tell me the truth?
In addition to my vague memories, starting at about 5 years old, most of the imaginary games I played with my friends were based on sexual themes. Usually the games involved some type of slavery or rape. How could a five year old think of something like that?
I can’t imagine the horror “actual” victims experience by remembering their trauma and I certainly don’t envy them, but I do feel that not having my memories is a primary hurdle in my effort to heal. Who will believe me when I say, “I just *feel* like I was molested”? Truth be told, I don’t always believe myself. I guess that’s what my attacker(s) were counting on by choosing a young child. This doubt has isolated me. I have only told my husband, my therapist, and a couple of close friends – and I’m not sure any of them fully believe me either.
If others here have experienced what I have, please comment. If you have experience in reclaiming memories or in healing without them, I’d love to hear about that too. It would be a relief to know others are in the same boat, and to not feel crazy and alone (at least for a little while.)
when I read your post, I must say it really hit me – My memories about being raped is very unclear and hazy and I never really found out, what happened. I was really in love with this guy from school and he had a girlfriend but always promised me to break up with her, and making me wait. He was so mean at school, kissing her in front of me, while looking at me, trying to make me jalouse. He told me I was ugly one time we were gonna meet at a swimming pool, and then he left again quickly, because I thought i was too ugly. His girlfriend told lies about seeing me naked in the shower at school and that I was really nasty looking. Well, he manipulated with me from when I was 13/14 and told me when I was 15 that he couldn’t truly know if he loved me until we had sex.
I snug out to meet with him and I knew what was going to happen. When i lay in his bedroom I could see that he had written that he loved his girlfriend – He was quickly to have sex with me but besides from that I only remember myself screaming NOOOO and also trying to push him away but I think I stopped – Then I remember that there was blood on my white tshirt and in my panties. Soon after, I went home since he seemed like he didn’t want me to stay- I thought that it didnt seem like he loved me more after this and I Tried ending it but he followed me around in town and every time I got a new number, he would get it and contact me.He would also drive past my house several times a day and always come up to me when he had the chance – also many years after… Years later he found my number again and wanted to be friends with me. I wrote him, saying, how could he ever believe I would be friends, after what he did to me and he appologized and ask me to forgive me. I did but I always hate it, whenever I see him when I visit my parents and he always stares at me- like he is still trying to haunt me. he tried following me on facebook but i blocked him and luckily I dont hear from him….
I told a school counseleur that I think I got raped when I was about 19 years old, but honestly, I never really found out if I just screamed NOOO inside – I actually think I did. But I always felt like it was rape – he used me for so long, mentally, that maybe it feels more or less the same…I dont know…
Something else happened When I was 23 – I was hospitalized with a psycho-somatic illness and this man I met the day before, also a patient, came to my room and lay on top of me, kissing me and telling me that he wanted to please me and so on while he lifted my blanket and tried to touch me. I just woke up and I was on medicine that made me very drousy – There was a button if I needed help from the nurses, but I think I was in chok – when I finally forced him to go out, he said that there was no need to tell anyone and I only pushed the button when he left – I started to sweat and shake allover my body and the nurse went to his room and asked if he had been to my room – he said yes, but that nothing happened – he got kicked out that same morning but I was not allowed to say anything to the others, because of the unsafe feeling they would get….
I don’t know if my story helps you, but I just wanted to let you know….
be safe.
kind regards
Sophie