Like another recent poster, I also feel shame about my repressed memories and like my story will never really be received by victims who remember their trauma. However, the film made me feel like we all have a voice and this seems like an encouraging place to speak up.
I’ve suspected that I was molested as a child for as long as I can remember. I don’t have any clear memories of being abused – just uneasy feelings about certain seemingly benign memories. My kindergarten babysitter and her basement…the neighbor boys that one time in the woods…my friend’s mom’s boyfriend by the train tracks…the family friend who visited my room alone before bed. Or could it have been…my parents? All of these micro memories haunt me, but the last possibility cripples me. If someone else was my aggressor, maybe my parents could offer helpful information (or at least support). But if my parents were my attackers, how could I ever expect them to tell me the truth?
In addition to my vague memories, starting at about 5 years old, most of the imaginary games I played with my friends were based on sexual themes. Usually the games involved some type of slavery or rape. How could a five year old think of something like that?
I can’t imagine the horror “actual” victims experience by remembering their trauma and I certainly don’t envy them, but I do feel that not having my memories is a primary hurdle in my effort to heal. Who will believe me when I say, “I just *feel* like I was molested”? Truth be told, I don’t always believe myself. I guess that’s what my attacker(s) were counting on by choosing a young child. This doubt has isolated me. I have only told my husband, my therapist, and a couple of close friends – and I’m not sure any of them fully believe me either.
If others here have experienced what I have, please comment. If you have experience in reclaiming memories or in healing without them, I’d love to hear about that too. It would be a relief to know others are in the same boat, and to not feel crazy and alone (at least for a little while.)