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Repressed Memory

I feel like an impostor, like I might not even deserve this space, but I don’t know. I don’t remember anything but tiny bits from my childhood. Part of that is because the divorce from age 9-11 was so central to my life, partly because I think I have repressed so much of what happened in my life before my parents divorced. My mom was found negligent after abusing me (though my sisters say I deserved it) and my dad’s sister says that my mother’s step-father made her feel awkward when he held us as toddlers.

I know I’ve repressed memories of abuse…shoes being thrown at me. But what if the boy on the bus, whose grandfather knew my grandmother, was right? What if we DID have sex when we were just 6 or 7, as he told all our our middle school peers. His nasty grandpa was trying to court my grandma, or was her “friend”…I don’t know. But she stopped seeing him for a reason. I slapped his grandson’s face on the school bus, but he did not tell anyone, so no one ever asked why I did it or knew about the rumor. When he said this rumor, I began to question whether something happened in our basement in our condo basement, on my dad’s weight bench. I wish I could talk to my parents about what I do not know. My sister was molested shortly after this rumor, and it became like dust in the wind. She was raped as an adult, and blames herself, but I cannot help her…

My dad told me when I was 12 that my mother wanted to abort me, then when I was 26 and I confronted him, he said, “truth hurts”. Perhaps my mother should have been allowed that choice, but I try not to romanticize. She never had a choice, and neither did I. As I write this, my right cheek is marked from my husband slapping me yesterday for defending myself, in front of our two daughters. This man thought nothing of it when he told me about having sex with me as I slept. What do I do? I left him before, and then went back, and he shattered my foot, making me even more dependent on him. The prosecutor in my county said that my broken body was not enough evidence to press charges, so my husband never got help or consequences. All of the anger management, counseling…doesn’t make one bit of difference if he still can’t control himself. I am better than this, and I deserve to be heard for ONCE in my life.

1 comment

  • Molly

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