Here is the story I want to write. I was sexually molested by my uncle before the age of 2 , when I was still in my diapers. After this, came years and years of sexual abuse and rape by ‘ extended family’ members. I have changed the word’ family’ members to ‘ enemies.’ Real ‘family’ do not rape other ‘family’ members.
The particular kind of sexual abuse which was inflicted on me by my enemies: ( cousins and uncles) is called’ ritual sexual abuse. This occurs when the sexual abuse is conducted in groups settings over a long and sustained period of time.( sometimes with a spiritual element)
I remember all my male cousin- enemies lining up to rape me, and mocking and laughing and having a wonderful time. I dissociated because I could not live in my body as it went through this, time after time. Many of them were adolescents so they had no excuse and knew exactly what they were doing. They kept raping me until I left home many years later. I was not the only victim. There were often many girl cousins and my sister who were also molested.
I know that incest has been in my ancestral line for many years.Men choosing be the rapists while those unlucky enough to be born girls , were unwilling victims. Yet to this day the rapists are protected by the family motto: Boys are worth everything and girls are worth nothing .( misogyny)
In this kind of misogynistic cultural setting the boys and adolescents knew they could do anything to the girls because their parents would turn a blind eye. In my case my uncle caught his son sexually abusing me and did nothing, choosing to protect his son.
Many of my enemies/cousins raped me on a continual basis in basements, whenever they had a chance while my parents drank tea and played cards upstairs. We were so neglected by my parents that they never came to check on us.. I remember being unable to sleep at age 6 or 7 because I was feeling so sick to my stomach ( all the trauma had lodged in my belly). I spent years in the worst kind of self hatred ,which is common of sexual abuse . To this day, I am not fully connected to my body. I find it difficult to trust men and am working on choosing to believe there are good ones out there.
Sustained long term ritual abuse by many many rapists leaves incredible scars. Trust is so difficult.
On top of this I was also raped by my best friends father when I was 10. I thought of her home as a safe place, not like mine where I was being assaulted. But there too I found another enemy. I often ask myself : how did I survive?
When I was 18 I met the Lord Jesus ( Rathe, He made Himself known to me!)and for the past several decades He and His people have been healing me. I play a part in my healing as well. I found a good therapist and I am actively seek healing. I did not inflict injury on myself, my enemies did that: however only I can choose to get the help I need to heal myself.
I will not let those rapists take more from me than they tried to do ( someone once told me: these words: “They tried to destroy you but they didn’t”. That is my story: They tried to destroy me, but didn’t.
How do I fully walk out my freedom and healing?
1. by choosing to forgive each rapist , ( this is different from absolving them of their shameful deeds) I release them to God He is the one who judges and shows mercy. By forgiving or releasing them, I am ordering them out of my body and soul. This is a work in progress and not fully done yet,
2. by seeking therapy to deal with the after effects of the abuse
3. by choosing life and enjoying it fully.
Now many years later . I have a full joyful life, and still am healing on the effects in my heart of broken trust and shame. I am finding treasures in this darkness.I did not choose to be assaulted and attacked by my enemies but I can choose how I heal from this. With the help of my loving community, I will continue to do so.