Startled awake, I was staring at a shotgun pointed at my face.
He told me in a rude term what he was going to do, and ripped my nightie pretty much off. He then pushed between my legs, holding the shotgun in one hand.
To be honest, I didn’t notice his physical assault, as my full attention was on the gun, and his finger on the trigger, twitching as he pushed. I was most nervous as he climaxed, and almost pulled it.
He stood and as he pointed the gun between my eyes, told me it was more than I deserved. Again he kept his aim with one hand, aiming his penis with the other. He then urinated on my face. I stayed quiet, not to irritate him to fire.
He then ordered me to keep silent about this and not to call the police, or he would be back with the rest of the team. He then left me alone, in utter shock.
Once I got my wits about me, I started to put pieces together. His comment about what I deserved made me think this was targeted and not at random. I had, less than 2 weeks before broken up with my boyfriend. The assault was not likely coincidence coincided with my cycle fertile days, which he would know. He was just graduated, and played football, and might be the team reference.
I thought too much, and scared myself to not report the assault for fear of reprisals. I felt more scared of the future than being assaulted in reality. I can still barely remember it.
Perfect in timing, I was pregnant. I had no choice but to finish the semester, and request a new apartment through Housing. I finished the Spring semester while huge, and a few weeks after Finals, delivered a healthy boy.
Please don’t think the worse of me, I might have raised a girl, but I had to give up the boy for adoption. I do not feel bad about the choice, it was right for closure.
I had no more contact with my ex-boyfriend, or his friends. Maybe it was guilt, or my obvious condition, but I am happy to move along.
The silence I kept is broken. I can not name the rapist, nor if anyone I know was truly involved. I can post to add to the You Can Survive chorus.
Thank You, Braves.
— Jamie, age 24
Dear Jamie – thank you so much for posting your story here. First of all, I want to be clear that what happened to you is NOT your fault. I don’t judge you at all. I don’t judge your fear of reporting it; that’s such a personal thing and no one knows how scary that is until they are in your shoes. I CERTAINLY don’t judge you giving up the baby for adoption. Well, actually, to be fair, I think it was an incredibly brave and loving choice. I admire your ability to do what you felt right for yourself. Even if you don’t want to report what happened, I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about what happened to help you heal completely and move forward from what happened. Thank you so much for adding your voice here. I am proud of you. Love, Alexis