My girlfriends and I were going out to a few bars on a Friday night to celebrate a birthday. We were all a little drunk, but no one was out of control. At the second bar, we met up with a few of our guy friends to keep the celebration going. Among all of the men, there was one guy I had never met or seen before. He introduced himself as Antwon, and we all danced and drank the rest of the night together. When the bar closed, Antwon invited everyone back to his place for an after-party. All of my guy friends were going as well as three of my girlfriends. We all piled into two ubers and met back at his place. At this point I started to realize how drunk everyone else was, and how sober I was becoming. He noticed too. He started throwing shots and beers at me, hoping I would take them. I told him that I was good for the night and sternly told him to leave me alone. He stormed out of the kitchen and slammed his bedroom door shut. The other guys had noticed the commotion, and insisted that I go in and apologize to him for being so rude to him at his own party. When I opened the door, he quickly pulled me inside, locked the door, and threw me across the room. He repeatedly slammed me into walls and onto the floor with all of his body weight. When I finally stopped fighting back, he pinned me under his knees and violently raped me. When he was done, he stumbled to the bathroom and I sprinted out of the apartment. Everyone was still in the kitchen and living room partying, and no one knew what had just happened to me. I never went to the police out of guilt and shame and confusion. I felt like I would have betrayed my friends for turning their friend in. I thought the pain of reliving it by going to the police would have been too much. A year later, I still relive my rape every hour of every day, just with the guilt of not reporting or stopping him as the cherry on top. I feel a pang of guilt every time hear about a sexual assault. Could he have done that to her? Could I have prevented that by reporting him? How many girls has he done this to? It’s a vicious cycle of questions and self-blame. It’s terrifying to say something, but even more terrifying living in a state of constant state of anxiety, paranoia, and self-doubt.
— Survivor, age 20
Dear survivor – first I want to talk about you. The anxiety and self-doubt you’re experiencing are pretty normal for people who have had your experience. I know a year can feel like a really long time – but it takes time and a whole lot of patience (not something I’m overly great at myself) to heal from what happened to you. I would strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist who can help you with some of the questions you have and the anxiety and guilt you’re feeling. The truth is that the fault is with him but that doesn’t mean what you’re feeling isn’t real.
As for reporting it – it’s a very personal decision. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. If you decide you want to report it, you are NOT betraying your friends; he did that when he raped you. But a therapist can help you work through those questions decide what you want to do. And no matter what, anything he does is not your fault. The blame remains with him – he is making his own decisions. Sending you love and support!! Alexis