Two years ago I was a sophomore in high school. It was the last day of school and some guy I saw of as my brother asked me if I was going to go to the same class we have. I said yes. On my way to class I decided to stop by the bathroom because I had to use it. As soon as I got out the bathroom to head to class, I saw him right outside the class. He asked for a hug and I gave him one considering it was his last year. After the hug, he trapped me by the wall and said he wanted to have sex. I told him it’s wrong and that he has a girlfriend and all he said was that she doesn’t need to know. I told him no but maybe I wasn’t loud enough. I tried to leave but he wouldn’t let me (he is a big buff man and his hella strong, his a street fighter). He made me give him a hand job and he would be fingering me at the same time (sorry if it’s tmi). Then he tried to kiss me, probably to muffle out the noises of me saying no and no, over and over again. But I wouldn’t kiss him back. I guess that made him loose his balance or something because I was suddenly running from him, but he caught my by my waist and pulled me back to him (at the moment it didn’t hurt but after I started to notice some bruising appearing) and told me that I could do better at giving the hand job and he knows I enjoyed it. I was crying at that point and I kept telling him no. He let me go once a teacher passed by, I ran to class and he sat next to me. He told me he can’t wait to finish what he started. That day I went home and showered for 3 hours and scrubbing my body until it was red. I figured maybe if I scrub enough it wouldn’t be real and it was just a nightmare (stupid, I know).
The thing is 1/4 of me knows I was sexually abused, the remaining 3/4 of me keeps thinking its my fault. That I deserved it, that maybe every time I was saying “no” he didn’t hear me. That I’m just overreacting, that my clothes were revealing (I was wearing a crop top and high waisted shorts).
I haven’t told anyone even though this happened 2 years ago when I was 16, and now I’m about to be 18. If I tell my parents they’ll find away to blame me for it, and I already myself. I’m scared of guys which I hate. I don’t want to be near guys and every time I think of getting married, I get sick to my stomach. The fact that guys scare me only caused to be around guys cause what better way to get over a fear. However while doing this, iI let guys treat me wrong and hurt me. So, maybe I did deserve everything, if not worse.
There are so many things I want to tell you. First, I want to thank you for sharing your story with the Brave Miss World community. Putting our experiences into words can be very hard to do, but often doing so helps to lift the weight a little bit. I want you to know that what happened to you is not your fault. Nothing you did or said caused what happened you. It doesn’t matter what you were wearing. It doesn’t matter if you froze. It doesn’t matter how loud or how soft you said no. He made the decision to force you to do something you did not want to do. He is the only one to blame for this. I can assure you that you are not overreacting. Each of us walks our healing journey in our own time and in our own way. The healing journey can be a long one, but in time and with help you can move beyond this. Survivors go on to lead happy, healthy lives and you can too. I promise you that you did not deserve what happened to you. Nobody deserves what happened to you. There are resources available for you if you’d like them. Remember, you are not to blame for this – no matter what anyone ever tells you. This is a part of your story, but it is certainly not your shame. You will get past this.
Light and love,
Alissa, Brave Miss World team member