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Scared and Confused

Two years ago I was a sophomore in high school. It was the last day of school and some guy I saw of as my brother asked me if I was going to go to the same class we have. I said yes. On my way to class I decided to stop by the bathroom because I had to use it. As soon as I got out the bathroom to head to class, I saw him right outside the class. He asked for a hug and I gave him one considering it was his last year. After the hug, he trapped me by the wall and said he wanted to have sex. I told him it’s wrong and that he has a girlfriend and all he said was that she doesn’t need to know. I told him no but maybe I wasn’t loud enough. I tried to leave but he wouldn’t let me (he is a big buff man and his hella strong, his a street fighter). He made me give him a hand job and he would be fingering me at the same time (sorry if it’s tmi). Then he tried to kiss me, probably to muffle out the noises of me saying no and no, over and over again. But I wouldn’t kiss him back. I guess that made him loose his balance or something because I was suddenly running from him, but he caught my by my waist and pulled me back to him (at the moment it didn’t hurt but after I started to notice some bruising appearing) and told me that I could do better at giving the hand job and he knows I enjoyed it. I was crying at that point and I kept telling him no. He let me go once a teacher passed by, I ran to class and he sat next to me. He told me he can’t wait to finish what he started. That day I went home and showered for 3 hours and scrubbing my body until it was red. I figured maybe if I scrub enough it wouldn’t be real and it was just a nightmare (stupid, I know).

The thing is 1/4 of me knows I was sexually abused, the remaining 3/4 of me keeps thinking its my fault. That I deserved it, that maybe every time I was saying “no” he didn’t hear me. That I’m just overreacting, that my clothes were revealing (I was wearing a crop top and high waisted shorts).

I haven’t told anyone even though this happened 2 years ago when I was 16, and now I’m about to be 18. If I tell my parents they’ll find away to blame me for it, and I already myself. I’m scared of guys which I hate. I don’t want to be near guys and every time I think of getting married, I get sick to my stomach. The fact that guys scare me only caused to be around guys cause what better way to get over a fear. However while doing this, iI let guys treat me wrong and hurt me. So, maybe I did deserve everything, if not worse.

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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