Scars

I can still remember it so clearly. The taste of alcohol on my breath the morning after. The humiliation I was putting myself through. I couldn’t bring myself to accept it, I had read about it before and had even taken an online class before attending college, I remember thinking “I’m smart I would never let anything bad happen to me.” I was 17 years old, right out of highschool and ready to get away from home and finally have some freedom. I didn’t grow up in a bad home, but I’ve always been the person to get away from home, get away from something familiar and start somewhere new. So I decided to go to college 6 hours away from home. I was really scared, but I knew it would be the first step to gaining my independence. Freshmen year was something I was determined to remember, I met a lot of cool people and had a great friend group (boy was I wrong). Prior to college I had never really tried alcohol. I was still a virgin and I wasn’t looking for hookups or a relationship. I wanted to enjoy my freshmen year and have the most fun I could have. My second semester of college was when it happened. I remember the night clearly. I was in my dorm watching a movie when my “friend” texted me asking me to go to a softball party with her. I had been to a couple parties before and this semester was proving to be harder than my last one. I didn’t plan on going out that night, I was going to stay in and catch up on some homework, but my “friend” (let’s call her K) lived in the same building as me. She came up to my dorm and begged for me to go out with her. K was dating a frat boy who was going to be meeting us at the party later on that night. After some hesitation I agreed, I thought. Well what’s the worst that could happen? So I put on some makeup, straightened my hair, put on a skirt and left with her. The party was taking place in a House next to her boyfriends frat house (PIKE). We went inside the softball house party and took a couple shots right when we got in. K’s boyfriend was still not there, but in the kitchen K stopped to hug and say hi to another fellow PIKE member she knew very well. I remember initially thinking about how cute he was, tall, dark hair, great jaw line and a sexy smile. K introduced us, I said hi and he hugged me. I was very intrigued by him. I remember taking about 2 more shots and then I began to dance with Michael (my rapist). We were dancing for a while Getting very close and touchy. But whenever I felt his hand get lower, I remember moving it upward, I had clearly established my limits with him on the dance floor. A sudden fight broke out inside the house, the cops immediately came and everyone ran out. I remember Michael grabbing my arm and running with me towards the back door, his frat house was right next door. I stopped before we got there and told him we had to get K. We went in to look for her and found her so all three of us went into the PIKE house. We all went inside Ks boyfriends room and drank with a group of about 7 people in the room. We all sat in a circle and played more drinking games. Slowly but surely I was getting more and more drunk. But Michael kept handing me drinks making sure I was finishing them all. I remember K being very drunk too, we were the only two girls in the room. I remember K getting up along with the rest of the guys, they all wanted to go to Taco Bell to get some food. I knew I absolutely could not get in a car, I was too drunk and I was sure I was going to barf. So Michael told K to leave me on the couch while they were gone I remember him saying “I’ll look after her.” I think K trusted him enough to leave me there ALONE AND DRUNK with him. So she left. She left with everyone else and left me alone with him. Seconds after they left, Michael started to get very handsy with me , I remember him kissing my neck and trying so hard to make out with me. Each time I pulled away. He then started to put his hand on my leg and kept moving it higher and higher, I kept trying to push it back down but he wasn’t budging. I remember I started to panic. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I was too drunk to get up and leave so I tried calling K on the phone but the moment he saw me pull out my phone he got more aggressive with me. He snatched the phone from my hand and said “don’t worry we’re just having some fun.” I told him I didn’t want to hook up, I wasn’t this type of girl. I told him I was still a virgin and didn’t want to have sex with no one yet. Then he grabbed both of my arms and pushed me down on the couch he was a big guy so his body weight held me down. He pinned my arms above my head and kept kissing me so aggressively, that’s when I started to really panic, remember I started to cry and told him to stop. I kept saying “please please stop Michael I don’t want to” all he could say was “ssh no ones here no one can hear you” seconds later someone walked into the room. Michael yelled for them to get out. There was such loud music playing in the background so I knew screaming wouldn’t help it would only make him more mad, I didn’t want to make him mad. After the person left, Michael grabbed me and pulled me up, he said we were going to his room across the hall. I was too drunk to walk let alone run. When I got off the couch I tried to make a run for it but I fell face down immediately after. Michael grabbed me and pulled me up violently and with the coldest voice said to me” if you try to run or scream I promise you it’ll be much more painful for you” I was so scared I didn’t want to be there I didn’t want to be raped I was crying shaking asking him begging him to let me go. He put his arm around me and held me very tightly. We walked out of the room and across the hallway into his, I knew this was stupid but I knew I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t go inside his room because I knew what would happen if I did. The second we got to his door, I quickly pulled away and managed to break free from his grip for a split second. But he was too fast and too strong. He grabbed my hair and pulled me back I fell on the floor and he picked me up, he opened his door and threw me on his bed he slammed the door behind him and locked it. I crawled up the bed and locked my legs together. I kept crying telling him I wouldn’t tell anyone if he let me go. He wasn’t talking, he started to pull of his belt and proceeded to take a condom out of his drawer. I yelled. He ran to me and slapped me so viciously and hard across the face. I felt my nose begin to bleed. He told me if I fought he would really hurt me. At that moment I was terrified I couldn’t believe what was happening. He pulled me legs down closer to him, I still had them locked I wasn’t budging, he grabbed his belt and forced my arms above my head. He put his body weight on my and managed to tie my hands on his bed post with his belt. I knew I couldn’t fight anymore. I knew I just had to close my eyes and wait for it to be over. I prayed and prayed that I was a dream and I would soon wake up. He started to take my skirt off and then he started to get undressed. He was still kissing me telling me how cute I was, how he would make my first time “special”. As I saw him put on the condom I told him If he just stopped and let me go I wouldn’t say a word to no one. He pulled my legs apart and got closer to me, then he said “this can either be easy or hard it’s up to you” seconds later he raped me. It was so god damn painful. He penetrated me and enjoyed every second of my pain I started screaming. It was so painful I had never gone through so much pain before. He saw the blood, but he kept going. He was moaning so hard enjoying every second of it. I Remember almost passing out because of the pain, it felt like hours had gone by but it was only a few minutes. I had my eyes closed waiting for it to be over. He stopped and I thought it was over. But he turned me over and proceeded to rape me from behind. Everything In the room was spinning the pain was unbearable. Finally after what felt like a lifetime he was done. He got off me. I told him to untie me and let me go. I said to him “you got what you wanted please untie me and let me go” he put his pants back on and sat on the bed next to me. He wiped my hair off my face my hair was drenched in tears. He looked at me and said no one would believe me if I told someone. He said every one would think I was a whore. He kissed me once more and finally untied me. My body was so numb and yet everything was so painful. I quickly got dressed and tried to run out the door. Before I could he slammed the door and looked at me. He held onto my face and looked into my eyes. He could see my fear. He fed off of my fear. Then he said “you’re a good girl you won’t tell anyone” he let me go and I ran out. I ran all the way across campus. I ran all the way to my dorm. I couldn’t stop running. When I got to my dorm I broke down. I fell on the floor and started crying. My body my soul everything felt so violated. I felt so dirty and disgusting. I looked in the mirror my body was covered in bruises and blood. My cheek and lip were swollen from the slap. I took a shower for 4 hours until I felt like I had no more skin to scrub off. I felt so dirty. I didn’t sleep that night. I cried the entire night. Days after Michael must have told K I had sex with him willingly she stopped talking to me and ignored me in the when I came across her in the building. I wasn’t getting responses from anyone in my friend group. I found out days later from a girl that K told people in the building that I sex with 3 PIKE guys that night. A couple of people were starting to call me “third floor whore”. I felt so broken so vulnerable and so alone. I was scared to show my face around campus after that. I remember seeing Michael around campus, he would wave and say hi to me. It made my stomach sick. Every time it made my stomach turn. Soon after I started to self harm myself. I tried to commit suicide after months of anxiety and depression. I thought my scars would never heal. Thankfully I found the strength the keep moving with my life. I met my husband and helped me cope with so much. I’ve never told anyone about the rape except for my husband. I live my life normally every day. My scars will never 100% heal but with the love and support I have it makes my life much easier to live