When people first meet me they always think im the stereotypical white girl who gets everything given to her. They couldn’t be more wrong. From the day I was born i’ve had to see my mom struggle with crohns everyday, i’ve had to see my dad work three jobs just so we can pay the bills, but worst of all I get forced to go to a place everyday where I have to see my rapist walking through the halls.
It was June 12th 2017, and me and my boyfriend of a couple months decided to go to his house after school. When we got there the house was empty, no mom, no brother. I was a little shocked considering they were always there. He led me up to his room which was normal we would alway hang out there, but this time it felt different. We were watching tv when all of the sudden he came on to me, I didn’t know what to do, I froze. I said no. He wouldn’t stop no matter what I did or said, I felt used, disgusting, and betrayed.
Without a doubt he had one hundred percent of the power in this situation and he knew. His strength beat me. His breath on my neck beat me. The grasp he had on my wrists beat me. Not for one moment did he show weakness, he was persistent until the second it was over. You could tell he wanted me to fear his “manliness” he wanted nothing but to be superior to me. He didn’t care about the mental and physical damage he was doing to me all he cared about was having sex.
Being female has endless struggles, men being one of them. Don’t get me wrong i’m not saying all men are the same because they’re not, I have some amazing men in my life. But being a woman no matter the age you will always have to deal with ignorant men who think their needs are more important that your own. In this case my rapist knew he had power over me because of his gender, and he took advantage of that.
The week after this happened was the hardest, I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I felt dirty. I took endless showers hoping it would help somehow, but it didn’t. I’ve been dealing with this for two years now and not a day has gone by that I don’t think about what happened. Not a night goes by that I don’t have nightmares. He will never realize the pain he puts me through everyday. The people in my life who know about this always ask why I haven’t pressed charges, and the reason is simple. It’s not because i’m scared to come forward about it, it’s because I know he will deny it and I wouldn’t be able to hear him say the words “I never raped her”. I tried to convince myself for the longest time that it wasn’t that big of a deal but i’ve finally realized how much he has taken away from me. So hearing those words would kill me inside.
As much as I wish I could say things have gotten better and i’m slowly overcoming this, i’m not. When I was young I used to hear stories about how rape ruines people for life and I never thought it could be that bad. But now that i’m in these shoes, i take back everything I said. This has completely changed my life, because my ex decided he needed to have sex I now suffer from major depression and anxiety. There is days so bad that I can’t even leave my house, all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry. I also have an extremely hard time opening up to people and giving them all my trust. But even though he put me through all of this pain and suffering, I want to thank him for making me a strong, independent woman who now knows her self worth.
— Survivor, age 17
Dear survivor – first, thank you so much for sharing your story here. I’m really proud of you for writing it down and I hope it was somewhat cathartic for you to share. What happened to you WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! The nightmares and anxiety you describe are pretty typical after a rape and possibly symptoms of PTSD. I would encourage you to see if you can find a way to see a counselor or a therapist. They can help you work through the nightmares and the depression and anxiety you’re feeling. To be honest, even though there are days that all you want to do is curl up and cry, the days you get out of bed anyway are a victory. It’s a slow process and really hard to see improvement day-to-day sometimes. But like I said, a therapist can work with you to identify progress and also to help you find ways to cope as you heal.
As far as pressing charges, it’s very easy to ask why not from the outside. But it’s a VERY personal decision and you need to do what’s best for you. I just want you to know that I support whatever you decide. I know you don’t know me – at this point it gets to be about you and your healing.
Thanks so much for sharing. Sending you lots of love, Alexis