Sexual Abuse

Every Saturday most kids spend their time playing outside with friends, watching TV, or just playing with games and toys. However, every Saturday my step father would sexually abuse me. This happened every week and sometimes more than once during the week. My mom would leave for work at about five in the morning and wouldn’t get off until late in the afternoon. This gave my step father all the time he needed to abuse me. It started when I was six. I didn’t know what was going on, he just told me that he was giving me a massage. I said okay and let him “massage” me. This kept happening for years, and as I grew older I started realising what he was doing to me. I was too scared and ashamed to tell anyone, and to this day no one knows except me and my step father. I would always find any excuse to leave home, but I usually ended up back in my bed with him on top of me. I told him to stop, and he would promise me that it was the last time, but next Saturday, he’d be back in my bed. Now that I am seventeen, and he and my mother divorced for reasons other than the abuse (she didn’t know), I realise the effect the abuse has on me. As a child, I learned to close off my emotions and preferred to feel numb inside. It made the abuse more bearable. I can’t look a man in the eye now and not think that he is just going to abuse me too. I am scared to tell people because I’m afraid that all of the emotions I locked up over the years are going to spill out and I won’t be able to stop them. I’m still recovering, but I have nightmares of him, and I wake up numb and emotionless again. I hope one day I can move past this, but it really hurts me. And the worst part is that no one knows. No one KNOWS.